BookRix

Amsterdam, The Netherlands

Sorry to be blunt, but the only thing that unites America is bloodthirst.
Always has.

------
Video: https://moxox.com
Music: https://muxiv.com
AV: http://yofuk.com

Chris,Bryan,Akin,Jose

Hillary Clinton did not call voters ""backward

------
Video: https://moxox.com
Music: https://muxiv.com
AV: http://yofuk.com

I like this, I just wish it was longer.

Excellent job, Sabrina! You had me on the edge of my seat. It really spooked me to think of being in that dangerous situation. I voted for you.

mysteries twist, Good luck

To be only 12 years old you should be really proud of yourself. I do agree with Wendy, but if you keep writing I will surely keep reading and it was a really good story.

To be only 12 years old you should be really proud of yourself. I do agree with Wendy, but if you keep writing I will surely keep reading and it was a really good story.

it was really good:) good job writing it! i agree it would be a lot easier to read if it was in block form but i really liked it:) great job!

This is such a great premise and it has a really neat twist.

I think you are a storyteller who wants to be a writer. And judging by this great little story you will be a fine writer one day.

You've got to work on your grammar, but it's the delivery that needs the most attention, so that you can put the story across to the reader, allowing them to feel as passionately about it as you do.

Here's what I recommend you address first...

1. Break it all down into paragraphs. One solid piece of writing is incorrectly formatted, but mainly it's hard on the eye.

2. Think about lingering on the climax points. Like when she's on the roof. What she's feeling, seeing, etc. More detail adds to the suspense and paints a better picture.

3. Take your last line and rework it. Think of it as a punchline to a joke. It has to be sharp and quick, so that the tables are turned immediately and the message driven home.

I realize you're only twelve, but if you've got stories like this in you, it's worth taking all this stuff on board now, so that you can improve your technique over time.

Good luck in the contest.
wendyxx