BookRix

it's beautiful

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I was glued to every word; breathless to find out what would happen next. Your story is full of suspense and has an unexpected twist ending. It gave me the 'creepy-crawlies'. I felt so bad for the two little girls. The mother was just awful. What a surprise vengeance at the end! I like the way you used adjectives so well in creating your scenes. Fantastic and scary book! I hope you'll write more like this. This genre suits you.

first off i do not suggest violent behavior but i would like to put the mother in that closet and give her a taste of her own medicine with said the book was really good

Wow, sad story!!!! However very well written. My heart goes out to kids who go through that kind of abuse.

Eruscupcake

Thank you all for your encouragement! To demiurge and Bek, I have edited once again, taking your suggestions and changing the problems areas. Thank you for catching my POV changes. I am currently taking a course through Writer's Digest to help catch that in my writing. I have signed up for a grammar course through them as well. I can't thank you enough for the help. My biggest worry is that my writing is not professional enough and I appreciate all help and suggestions.

I won't dwell on the the mechanics of your writing. Rebekahjennings has given you some good suggestions. Rather I will give you an overview of what I have gleaned from your writing. When I critique creative writing, the words have to blend smoothly with my mind, otherwise I immediately lose interest. A good story can't be told without using the correct word at every place. I read your story and I think you are an exceptional writer.
Here are some suggestions.
Page 6, you changed voice....f she could get more light in here...into the room..Line 12, you did it again...drop could...
...in response to her frenzied dance... not protest...stay literal
minor suggestion..feigned sleep...good example of using the best word...
Page 7..drop want to..period after sleep.Now! ..again minor..
"whimpered with emotion, rising on the last word... again shift in voice..stay out of the story...your voice is very good..delete ...rising etc.
Third paragraph..you lost me about the closet..."please Mommy not the closet" The door of the closet closed abruptly.. again minor
Page 11, comma between either and which
off of the old sturdy dresser..
The beginning innuendos about your mother are powerful...
The Barby fest is excellent..
First paragraph pages 12 and 23..fabulous
Page 19 last sentence ...protect her from her...smoother sentence
Your story was very well conceived, it flowed smoothly, many of your descriptions are vivid and you create a picture of reality in the mind's eye which is what I look for when I read and attempt to accomplish when I write. Short stories are not my forte. I like the novel. It is more challenging.
I have a book on Bookrix..The Good Fortune of Fools...Take a look at it sometime...It is an embellished story of where, and how I was brought up beginning with my great grandmother and her life and what she had to cope with by marrying as a young mentally challenged husband. The characters in my book actually exit or did exist.
I enjoyed your story very much. I'll have to peruse your writings for longer stories to see how you developed those. Your syntax has great balance.

Love the new cover. Gives me the heebie geebies

I loved it. Especially the symmatry between the uncaring mother and the fighting black widows. good job

I loved your story you had me hoooked :D x