Hi Rob,
I like your opening. Nice imagery. You have a simple way of telling a story and I enjoy it. You keep the story moving forward too, which I like.
I've enjoyed your use of metaphor.
You have my vote.
Pg 11: ...an italian suit which hadn't... 'which' should always have a comma before it when used as a relative pronoun.
This is not my usual type of story. That being said, it is well written and formatted and certainly deserves a vote - I also am keeping it - Paula
Junie,
I remember my workshop professor saying to me "don't depress the reader" yet i feel dangerously close to doing just that with my story.
Yes, I too believe scenes like this are being played out in real life and I hope that the dark tone is understandable for the circumstances I have chosen to tell.
High praise from you that I should win, I am just happy that people are reading my work. Thanks for the kind words!
I was exited to read your story that takes place in New Orleans. I had just spent a vacation week there and enjoyed it tremendously. I was also excited with the descriptions at the start of your tale. However, after the beginning, I found myself reading the story over and over again hoping that smoothness would return. It did not. It became a challenge for me to read it because you went overboard with your colorful... Show more
Joe,
thanks for taking the time to read my story! New Orleans is such a wonderful city it's hard not gush about it. I appreciate the feedback and have been putting 'pull back' on my list of goals for the next couple of stories I am working on.
Thanks again for reading and taking... Show more
You definitely have talent! You have a way with words and I was compelled with the story. Must admit I was a little confused at the ending when it changed from Lee's point of view to Marla's, and I didn't quite "get" what happened. Apart from a few minor grammatical problems that are easily fixed, you have an excellent story here. All the best and a vote from me. Maybe you would read my much lighter offering, THE LOVER?
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I am so glad you appreciated the work that went into my story. It was a longtime goal of mine to actually complete something that I started, and I am very proud to have done that with this tale. My next challenge? Something that leaves people a little less depressed at the end.... Show more
I am so glad you appreciated the work that went into my story. It was a longtime goal of mine to actually complete something that I started, and I am very proud to have done that with this tale. My next challenge? Something that leaves people a little less depressed at the end. Thank you for the time and the vote!
robert