Hi Pam,
Wow.
Lots of action in a tight little package. You asked for a read and here's what I noticed.
Your story and plot are sound. There is a good set-up, middle and end. I would say that your middle is actually the best part of your story. Here's why.
Your beginning tells us something about Jack but not much about his values in life. Some people (in the news lately) will go so far as to slap a child if the child is bothering... Show more
Hi Pam,
Wow.
Lots of action in a tight little package. You asked for a read and here's what I noticed.
Your story and plot are sound. There is a good set-up, middle and end. I would say that your middle is actually the best part of your story. Here's why.
Your beginning tells us something about Jack but not much about his values in life. Some people (in the news lately) will go so far as to slap a child if the child is bothering them. Why did Jack act differently?
Your ending was a bit abrupt. I had a feeling that's where the story was headed, nothing wrong with that, but you could have taken us through some of the thought processes Jack underwent in deciding to adopt Marvin. Also when Marvin came into Jack's room, I would have used a three word sentence for dramatic effect. It was Marvin.
You developed some good dialogue between Jack and Marvin's mom, though you could have made us like her some more so that when we see her dead body, we miss her more.
A final note. You write much as I did some years ago. I used to make sentences read as if they belonged in a grammar book. Don't get me wrong. I like to see proper English, but sometimes we swirl into sentences with past perfect or future perfect tenses that just seem too passive. To remedy this, I would go through your story and convert as many passive verbs as possible into active ones.
All in all a good piece of work.
Regards,
Augustus
