BookRix

I just read the beginning and it was good, and made me wonder if there was a pearl in it!

Its the marvelous story,it could not stop me to read at once without taking a breath.The words used for the beauty are marvelous.Its simply the best story I ever read.

As the earth journeyed around the sun for the fortieth time since I had originally become conscious of its annual voyage and loomed more rapidly toward the anniversary of the precise second that I first valued the cherished reward of time, my expectations took a spin in a scandalous route, a route that this virtuous traveler had never before explored.

I read the book. I like your style of writing. Keep it up.
Why don't you partcipate in the compition
Binod Sinha

...so I could relate to the characters easily enough.
I think if you follow some of the wonderful direction provided below...that would help greatly. I feel that this is meant to be more of a novel-length book. Too much going on, and not enough time to really develop the characters into the solid people they feel like they need to be for this type of conflict. marrionattoway mentioned this as well I believe. The psychological development is critical for the full impact, but I don't know how you could do that in a 'shiort story'.
I also believe in you as a writer. You have the passion, intelligence, immagination and vocabulary for it...with a little touching up....you have quite a future I believe. (and you're a sweetheart...don't know how much weight that carries though..:)

Keep at it my friend...good things are coming your way.

Koyle,

This is an interesting story with romance, friendship and cheating all included. The major problem I see, are your English translations. They sometimes aren't smooth, even rough in places. I also have a problem with the dialogue part, in places, for instance:

pg. 5, line 4: Start a new paragraph after 'them.'

"Cathy, look over there. It's an oyster." Sandy said. Don't start the sentence with 'Sandy said to Cathy.'

line 10: delete, 'Cathy answered.' Identification of the speaker isn't needed here. We now know who's speaking because there are only two characters.

In fact, drop all identifiers on the rest of the page until you get to 'Sandy and Cathy were best friends.' They aren't needed.

Pg. 6, line 8: change, 'them' to 'theirs.'

pg. 7, line 4: delete 'of'. It isn't needed.

pg. 8, line 10: delete, 'today,' replace with 'this'

pg. 8, last line: delete, 'Then' it isn't needed and repeats from the line above it.

There are a lot more of the simple things like those mentioned above throughout the book.

I realize the challenge trying to write English phrases can be extreme. If one word is wrong in an English phrase or in a conversation, it throws the entire conversation or phrase off to a certain degree.

I read your "Inferno" and didn't really notice the problem. Your story is excellent in the script, but your didalogue needs a lot of work. Not being criticle, but I suspect you are already aware of this problem.

Reggie

I read through your story and you have definitely improved in your style and use of words and the dialogue did help to move the story on and give it life and reality. You are still missing the space that should be between the end of a sentence and the start of a new sentence. It didn't happen all the time just occasionally. When you re-read it you will spot where they are. As to dialogue, it was good what your wrote only you did not indent with each change of speaker which is necessary so we know who is talking and why. It is interesting that you lead off with ie. 'Cathy said' before the actual dialogue. Generally that should come after the quotation marks of what is said, not before. It was a little confusing to read and interrupted what should have been a smoother flow of dialogue. I know you were probably trying to pull off a different way to present dialogue. You can leave it as it is but please create a new paragraph with indents with each change of speaker as well as changes in narrative. Other than that you have the makings of a good story. What could have been included to fill out the story more would be a more detailed surmising of internal thoughts on the psychological level for each character rather than just simplistic thoughts of actions and consequences. Most individuals tend to beat themselves up and mentally carry on in their own thoughts as to what they are doing. They plot, excuse, excite, then depress themselves constantly in the passion of the moment of everyday living. It is difficult to accommodate that but I think you have the intelligence to pull it off given how much you have improved from the previous work I have reviewed on your profile. Keep up the good work. You area writer so believe in yourself.

Much easier to read! your use of vocabulary stood out with a smooth run. You have removed the stumbling that made this a good story./joeparente

The first scene was very good and you introduced the theme well. IMO the time scan was too long for a short story, perhaps you could develop this into a novel?
Best wishes and thanks for inviting me to read it.

This story could have been longer so that the plot could be developed. the character descriptions were great at the beginning but the story changed too rapidly at the end. Some spacing problems were at the start.
With a little more work, you should have a winner. Love the front cover!./joeparente (Please always expect honest comments from me. Comments that are designed to help as suggestions only.)