Hi Kalai. I'm sorry it took me a while to get here. I picked this one because it sounded interesting to me. There were a lot of good parts in this. I actually cringed when she stubbed her toe and lost the nail. I also felt for her when she got the ulcer. Sometimes life just doesn't seem fair. I did have some trouble with awkward wording. I'm guessing that English is probably not your first language. But this only tells me... Show more
Hi Kalai. I'm sorry it took me a while to get here. I picked this one because it sounded interesting to me. There were a lot of good parts in this. I actually cringed when she stubbed her toe and lost the nail. I also felt for her when she got the ulcer. Sometimes life just doesn't seem fair. I did have some trouble with awkward wording. I'm guessing that English is probably not your first language. But this only tells me that you still did a great job. It is fairly easy to find someone to help out with word usuage. I'm going to give you a couple of line edits to show you what I mean. I hope you'll find something here to help you out.
Rich orange colored buds have started . . . (orange-colored is hyphened)
. . . the dry seeds on the plant cracked and spread the seeds on all the directions. (and spread the seeds in all directions.)
Few days later she can see little firecracker plants all around the garden. (A few days later she could see little firecracker plants all around the garden.)
She stood there for a while admiring at her crude . . . (take out at, admiring her crude . . . )
When the last carriage crossed the track, every one started . . . (everyone is one word)
Every day, young college going girls gathered in a common place and waited for the bus to come. (Every day young college girls gathered in a common place and waited for the bus.)
The bus driver and the conductor were the only male persons in the bus. (were the only men in the bus.)
The space was well lit with tube lights, and so she never felt scary to ride at night. (she never felt scared to ride at night.)
... and scribble away whatever that came to mind. (take out that-- whatever came to mind.)
'Come here' she called her cousin brother. Her cousin brother came fast ... ('Come here,' she called to her cousin's brother. Her cousin's brother came fast ...)
She would sit in the chair under the shades of the tree and watched people working in the factory. (under the shade of the tree and watch people ...)
...the nail which was dead got separated from the toe and fell down. (the dead nail separated from the toe and fell off.)
No one was there at home. Her mother was busy in the kitchen as usual. (No one was at home. Then I wondered, it says no one is at home, but her mother is in the kitchen. Is she home?)
She could not even stand out and brush her teeth. (She could not even stand up to brush her teeth.)
I am shifted to-wards another thought. (towards in one word. Doesn't need a hyphen. Then I would say-- I shifted towards another thought.)
I feel to be inside a maze,
I know the way to go out, still I can't come out.
(I feel like I'm inside a maze. I know the way out, but I still can't do it.)
Anyway, these are just a few examples for you. It takes a lot of time to get it right, but you are definitely on the right track. Great story. Keep up the good work. I'll stop back again and read another one just as soon as I get caught up.
Denna
