The Great Thunderstorm

By:
The Great Thunderstorm
A Children Story:

A 5-year-old girl, elated to have her own room now that her older sister has gone off to college but strikingly one night her courage of sleeping alone is tested by a great terrifying thunderstorm.

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Posts and Comments
Important Post
Deleted User

You can feel the little girl's fear throughout the story. You wrote her emotions quite well.

However, the story needs more editing. On page 4 try fixing: She trembled in perspiration from the sultry heat... to something like this:
She trembled. Perspiration from the sultry heat from the covering clung to her tiny body. Suddenly, something fell from the rooftop.

3 Comments
bustareadnow

Thank you! That does sound a little better! I'll use it! You seem good enough for editing my book "Little Dolls! You want to try it? Just to see if you can give it a little more flavor...what do you say? :)

Deleted User

Sorry, but no. I'm not an editor. Need one for myself if I ever get to finish a book. I just try to help from the little knowledge I gain from googling.

bustareadnow

Aw that's too bad you have the skills and don't realize it! Never sell yourself short! :) But I understand, you've been very helpful and thanks so much! :) TTYL!

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