Interesting story... Very stereotypical, but good :)
I do, however, have some critiques:
In the beginning, when Zoey is pleading with Brian to go to their dad, it would help to convey the emotion of the character better if you described how she spoke without just saying "she said.". The same applies to the rest of the book.
And how would Brian respond? Is he upset? Sad? Nervous? Scared? Give more description so your reading can... Show more
Interesting story... Very stereotypical, but good :)
I do, however, have some critiques:
In the beginning, when Zoey is pleading with Brian to go to their dad, it would help to convey the emotion of the character better if you described how she spoke without just saying "she said.". The same applies to the rest of the book.
And how would Brian respond? Is he upset? Sad? Nervous? Scared? Give more description so your reading can better understand the characters.
And try to stay either in present or past-tense. Switching can really confuse your readers. Also, if you're writing in first person and you switch POV's, it can get confusing as well.
Also, try not to just tell your readers what happens. Here's an example:
"I started to cry and fell to my knees. It started to rain, but I didn't care. I layed against Dad."
First of all, you spelled "laid" incorrectly. It's "laid", not "layed". Second, do you see what you did here? It's kind of like a list, as you just tell me whats happening without much explanation. Where's the description of the emotions?
And why would the police get mad at a girl when her father just died? Also, how old is Zoey? In the beginning, she is acting as if she's a 10 or 12 year old having a panic attack. Is she a child, a teen, or an adult? You need to make sure your reader isn't confused, as I was. I thought she was a teenager at first, from what you had her do, and how you described her actions. Make sure your characters actions and reactions match their ages!
If you go through your work, you'll spot some minor spelling errors. And in several spots, you've left our words, forgot capitalization, and failed to finish typing the correct word. This probably occurred as you rushed to get your thoughts down on paper ;) No worries, just make sure you go back and edit!
And try not to start all your sentences with subjects(I, He, She, It, We, They, The, etc.). This is what makes a persons writing feel like a list.
And who is Brian? When I first started reading, I thought he was Zoey's brother. Make sure your reader knows who he is so they don't get confused.
As a side note, I'd like to say that Michael and Mitchelle's names are very, VERY similar. You don't need to change them, though it gets confusing at times.
And make sure we know who Michael is. When I first read his name, I thought, "Who's Michael? How'd he get here?"
Last of all, be consistent throughout your work. Be careful you don't switch between past and present-tense. Be extremely careful of this! And make sure you're grammar is correct.
Overall, the story is ok :) It's a stereotypical vampire story, but still good. I'd encourage you to keep writing! Maybe even try to venture outside the land of vampires and pick up another genre ;) I know you could do it! You have promise !
Great job :)
Keep writing!
---RbG
