a little abrupt. go back and add a little more description, make it a little longer.

great story line !

A little abrupt at places. Try making your sentences flow together, instead of choppy. Besides that, a good start!

NO TABLE OF CONTENTS A TITLE AND DIFFERENT PICTURE FOR YOUR BOOK!

Calm down. Many books are similar to others. It's all right to have good ideas. Great minds can think alike. I will help you with your book but you should change the description from it being your first book to some things ABOUT the book. You can add more details to make it interesting and try to hook in your readers. As the author, this is YOUR job.

I don't care krimson! I started writing before you did! I started writing when I was 4 years old! >:(

WOOOOOHHHHHH. your book is surprisingly similar to my book. i have wrote it but ihavent put it on bookrix yet!!!!!!!!!!! i dont appreciate that, kitty. ;(