Nice story, Some suggestions, Write in black ink on white paper. It is much easier for people to read and more pleasant on the eyes to read. Writing in colors tend to make it more childish like a children's story and I feel your subject to be above that and a greater significance. Also you have many fragmented sentences which can be either joined or lenthened. Some of the words you use are on the frequent side such as the word "it" Decribe what IT is. Give IT a name. Your writings will appear more fleshed out and more mature. Remember the narrator is not the child and therefore should come across as an older wiser voice giving a stronger voice to the dialogue.

But I think you have a nice little book going and I bet you have a great following with your friends as your topics are 'now' and relevant. Just a little muscle in cleaning it up and elevating your words a little and you should have quite a nice book. I look forward to see how you revise it if you can. Use a thesaurus. Whenever you see the same word 2 or more times in a paragraph, try using the thesarus. It really helps. Keep writing. I will wacth out for you to see what you can accomplish.

stagemanjw
Jeffrey Allen White

strive to achieve

nice

Saving this one to my favs. Good storyline and i really enjoy your writting.

Your story is gripping and you tell it well. But, I have to agree with Cleveland. You have alot of cleaning up to do. Otherwise, I enjoyed reading it. Write more. The more you write the more you'll improve.

Jack

Hi You've obviously invested a vast amount of time in the writing of your book. That is to be commended.

But in the tough world out there every writer faces challenges far worse than the main character in your book. And that is the tough part as there are many areas you might consider looking at.

I'd suggest for a start reducing the size of the font thus giving more of the story per page. Keep a note of the words used. Later on it might be interesting to see how the wordage changes as you write in a different way.

Next look at character names. There are two characters with the same initial. Suggest changing one because characters where the surname starts with the same letter are classed as hiccups.

You have a liking for 'screamers.' The publishers have a heyday when they see them. I mean the exclaimation mark that draws attention for the wrong reason. You've also let your pen run away by mixing screamers with question marks.

I'll stop there because you'll need to verify what I say makes some sort of sense.

Return to your writing group and ask about editing. Failing that check out requirement from publishers or join an active forum where ALL writing questions can be discussed.

But remember what I've mentioned can be corrected. It is firstly being aware of what needs to be fixed. It is nothing to do with the author but rather the writing that is question.

For my own part I've had m work reviewed and had the review read out on the phone. If the person makes an honest assessment there can be no conflict. I was a novice writer than and grateful somebody took the time to tell me that I overwrote, didn't know what a 'screamer' was, couldn't write a 'hook,' failed to use punctuation properly, didn't know about spaces between words, how to indent, was unaware of 'helping' verbs, the use of 'slow' words and 'fast' words' and so on and so forth.But I did all the revisions suggested, then I edited. That was something like 200 stories ago, plus novels, anthologies, poems and sound recordings.
Writing is never easy and nobody will take time to help a budding writer. It is as simple as that.

As a general rule if you receive a review with 'Great. Fantastic. Awesome. Write some more' in it then be aware all is not what it seems.

You do have the option to ask questions. What makes the book 'Great.' Is it the characters? The plot? That sort of thing.
Make notes in your story. Most software systems allow writers to add a comment for editing or correcting words in their story. Check that out . Also make friends with the find facility to make your life easier and your writing better.

Best wishes and keep up the good work

Cleveland
author.

I'm sorry, I ment to say that I plan to explain everything in book 2, and I used this book to set things up.

Thank you all for the help. I started the story this way because I plan to write a book 2. I plan to explain everything in this one, and used this book to set things up.

You have a good story, but it needs tightening. Spelling, word use, punctuation and grammar. Your opening scene is a dream scene, very descriptive, but how does it connect with the story? You can start her off waking from a bad dream, then move on into your story. That is where it really seems to begin with her brother being crazy. I agree with juliegirl2 - you need to flesh out some back ground on what is going on with the brother. You have the makings of a great story. You just need some revision. Trust me, as a writer, you will learn a lot about self editing. Would like to read more of your writings. This is a good beginning. Robynn

Sorry, I must say that you need some direction. All gore just does not cut it with me.