KODA!!!
WRITE. MORE. NOW.
Hello Dakota,
Your story is very good -- the content is excellent, as is the story line, and even the dialogue is natural, not forced. If I were to suggest anything, it would be to pay more attention to paragraphs. Start a new one with each new idea or thought. I'm certainly no expert, but I would have to say you show a lot of promise. Go for it! I will look forward to the rest of the tale (smiling).
Warmest regards,
CJ