Chilling, suspenseful, and incredibly well written. I like your transitions between sections- they are flawless. Way to go!!
Just to my liking!!! I just love murder mysteries that turn out like this. Amazing!!
This was a writing exercise? My gosh, John, this was amazing. Who cares about cuss words? They fit the piece perfectly. It is obvious you have worked in law enforcement and that you have some insight into the mind of killers.
I sat in tense fascination throughout the whole story, having no idea where it was going. A surprise ending, even with her smile not being quite right. It did not clue me in at all.
I think it is time for... Show more
It was a little over the planned length for the oxygen story, but it wouldn't have been the same if you cut it down. I liked the emotions it stirred in me, and the ending seemed to bring a perfect justice.
There are only two things I have to comment on. First, I'm not too fond of cuss words in writing and you used quite a few, so maybe cut it down. Second, I think you should take out the sentence that says 'there was... Show more
your plowing through a story three times the length that the WIST exercise stipulated. I'm not sure how I would have lopped off two thirds of it and salvaged its impact.
I'll give you one out of two (maybe). On the cussing: I don't use profanity in my personal life, and I've... Show more
your plowing through a story three times the length that the WIST exercise stipulated. I'm not sure how I would have lopped off two thirds of it and salvaged its impact.
I'll give you one out of two (maybe). On the cussing: I don't use profanity in my personal life, and I've never used it in a story I've written, until this one. I do not like profanity either, but Norman was a brutal, sadistic serial killer. In reality, a vile person such as this would have talked even more obscenely. The language was used to reflect and underscore exactly what kind of despicable person he was.
I'm giving some thought to your suggestion of dropping "But there was something wrong with her smile." I meant it to be the first big hint to the reader (and Norman) that the woman might not really be the next victim, that maybe she was going to be a big problem for Norman.
But the line might not really be necessary, since it was the last sentence of scene 2, and scene 3 starts right off with Norman being in big trouble anyway.