All the emotions from the day were already swelling up in my eyes.
I could feel as one tiny droplet of salt water slightly poured over the bottom lid of my eye.
One after another the droplets came, and soon they weren’t just droplets anymore;
they became a waterfall.
A waterfall of salt water mixed with the undoubtedly recognition of sadness and pain. This sadness coming from the only person who had ever understood me and who had brought me an overpowering sense of happiness.
Obviously, this happiness was now a faded memory,
lost forever in the dark abyss I once called my mind.
Because I had lost it.
The empty cavity in my head was replaced by horrifying screams that usually
came to life in the dead of night when I was trying to let myself slip into
the unsteady hands of unconsciousness.
This didn’t happen often for I was consumed by the deathly grasp of insomnia.
Sleeping with its grasp strangling you tightly was nearly impossible.
I would try to sleep with the soft sounds of a lullaby in the background,
but that failed almost every time.
The lullaby of my dreams would slowly put me to sleep sometimes
but my dreams almost always turned to nightmares throughout the night.
Nightmares that can only be consumed by dark thought and the fearless.
My nightmares consisted of my family members dying, or close friends.
Tragic endings of being plagued by a deathly disease, or a horrible accident.
Accidents that, I myself couldn’t figure out.
Ones that wouldn’t have an explanation if they were to happen in reality.
I ponder these nightmares with care every single time they occur.
Wondering if that, if they came to life, what was I supposed to do with myself?
I would be more of an emotional wreck than I am now.
With dawn creeping up on me slowly, I will be forced to recollect my sanity
and push through another day as if my mind wasn’t lost and as if I still had
a tiny ounce of certainty in me. Certainty is hard to acquire when you have a
million uncertain thoughts racing through the empty cavity that was once your mind.
I’ve lost myself and the only thing that made me feel truly alive.
My mind.
With the feeling of the vengeance compelling me I will attempt to trudge
through the day like I haven’t been corrupted;
like I haven’t heard the ghastly screams inside of my head.
I will go through the day pretending I am sane, even though
I lost my sanity years ago.
I will attempt to pretend like everything is okay,
when in reality I know it is not.
I will act like I am not dead.

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Publication Date: 03-12-2012

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