Sunny Days

Feeling that familiar spark of hope and longing in her heart; Avanna knew it was meant to be a good start of the day. She was amazed by the change in weather, seemingly overnight. The suffocating and oppressive heat of the last few weeks had finally broken into a brisk autumn morning. Shining with enthusiasm, Avanna took a brisk inventory of her wardrobe and landed on an all time favorite. Donning her high-waist shorts and long-sleeve crop top, Avanna laced up her boots before heading to the door. It was the perfect morning for a walk to the coffee shop and she planned to soak up every moment before the darkness took over again. 

It had been a long few months, and it felt nice to stretch her muscles in the morning sun. So much good had happened, after such a horrendous downpour of trauma. Yet, she struggled to accept it or trust any of the good. The bad haunted her like a never-ending nightmare. She was overwhelmed by the sheer amount of change, let alone that which carried stress. While most of it was indeed good, there was so much bad that still coursed through Avanna’s mind repeatedly. Like no matter how hard she tried, she couldn’t leave her past in the rearview. 

Avanna was struggling at work, struggling at home, having anxiety attacks for the first time in years, dealing with insomnia, fighting to be a better person, trying to work through trauma. It was an exhausting time and consumed Avanna’s thoughts as she walked - then she felt it. That icy cold panic wrapping around her heart. Like tendrils of fear and adrenaline, latching on to her life force. A constant battle between emotional overwhelm and balanced healing. There was no cure. Only time and effort could release its grip. Some moments gave a brief pause to the constant war, and those were hard fought for while over too soon. Avanna stopped, raising her hand to her chest, feeling hope through breath and returning her heartbeat to its normal pace. Not today. She would not give in today. She was going to get through.

Entering the coffee shop like the woman on a mission she was, Avanna quickly placed her order. It was her mission every day to be better than the day before. Giving up was not an option, nor had it ever been. Forged from trauma after trauma, Avanna fought daily to accept her past while not succumbing to it. This was no easy task, for sure. She knew a lot to work was needed after all she’d been, and put herself through. The young woman leaned back against a wall, lost in thought as she was prone to be. 

I don’t understand why I keep getting this inky, dark feeling. Is there something I’m missing? I know that things have been crazy these past few years, but I’m finally on solid ground. I have my own place, I have my own car, I pay my own bills, I have good friends. Shit, I’m in a better place now than I’ve ever been. So why does it all hurt so much? I constantly feel like I’m alone, can’t focus anymore...I want to open up to people but I can’t...I just freeze. Why? I know I’ve been hurt, but the people in my life now are GOOD. What is wrong with me?

“Avanna?” a young barista called out.

Smiling brightly, Avanna reached out immediately, “right here, thank you!” She was amazed at her own ability to snap back into go mode. Sometimes it was a blessing and other times it was exhausting. These days she was never sure if she was going to be able to hold her composure or not, that had become clear. Stepping back out into the brisk morning air, Avanna marveled at the difference it made to her spirit. She stood still for a moment, enjoying the view of the mountains, and soaking in the good for her soul. Nothing could lift the spirits like a crisp wind on a warm day, and the cheerfully blinding glow of the sun. Avanna took peace in this moment, and felt her hope surge once more. No matter the weight on her heart, her spirit was stronger. There was work to be done yet!

Avanna couldn’t remember a time when going into work stressed her out more, but she was determined to push through. She had made a choice to step into a different role and almost immediately she’d begun to regret it. Work was usually her safety area. The one place where she could show up, do her job, and be done. It wasn’t supposed to be complicated or overly frustrating; that’s why she’d never advanced careerwise. Outside of these walls, life was spontaneously chaotic and oftentimes overwhelming. This wasn’t to say life was bad outside of work; it was simply that when she clocked in all she needed was to perform what was expected of her. There were no pressing decisions, internal conflicts, or personal issues. Performing her essential job duties, and beyond as she was apt to do, gave her a sense of accomplishment that was crucial to her balance. She just wanted peace.

Entering the doors, it was immediately evident that peace was not what she was going to get. Avanna sat down to her computer, heard the chaos already ensuing, and sighed. This department was new and had a lot of setbacks she hadn’t been prepared for. Nobody had, in fact, but that was another issue entirely. What worked one day may not the next, with no explanation of why or what to do instead. As a woman that created harmony out of a million obstacles in a day, it was the last thing she needed; to be left clueless in her pursuits for clients. Compassion and empathy constantly won out over suggested policy, and unity was a missed concept overall in the atmosphere. Misery was abounding in every face she saw. Worn out was an understatement to even the most positive of employees. Avanna felt as if every way she turned, her life was a kaleidoscope of chaos.

Shaking these thoughts from her head, Avanna faced her screen and set about to log in. Except, she couldn’t. Avanna’s entire body froze in complete tension and she couldn’t move. The air seemed to be sucked from her very lungs. Icy tendrils once again wrapped around her heart. Suddenly, Avanna jumped up from her chair and swore she could hear that inky feeling, as if it were a person. Friends reached out to her, faces looking up at her in concern, voices muffled by her own heartbeat. There it was again...the whisper in the dark, telling her this would never end. Avanna searched the room. Every nook and cranny was inspected, from the faces around her to objects on desks. Coworkers hands on her arm and words in her ear had no effect, as if they were lost in translation. The noises became deafening and Avanna couldn’t tell if she was still standing or if these people were holding her up. It all seemed so out of place. Her eyes fluttered closed, heart beating out of her chest, that familiar lump in her throat, thoughts racing here and there and everywhere. With one long and deep inhale, Avanna bolted out of the door. Not today indeed.

She barreled into her superiors office and froze. No words were coming out, but the look on her face was clear. This was not good. High alert. This was not frickin’ good. Avanna couldn’t breathe, she couldn’t speak, she couldn’t even let out the tears threatening to burst her eyes. She just stood there; despair, fear, anger, exasperation, hopelessness...all pouring out of her silently screaming eyes. 

Was there no mercy to this torment? Would this truly never end? Had she gotten better, or better at playing pretend? Shit! Shit, shit! Don’t just stand here! Say something! Inhale! Okay, okay, I can do this. Something you hear...screaming, no thats my own ears, shit. Beat. Heartbeat. I hear it. Shit, that’s loud. Alright, something I can smell...Callan!

“Hey,” he said, “look at me. You’re going to be okay. Breathe.” Callan, her boyfriend, had witnessed and followed the bolting Avanna. He lifted her chin to look into her eyes as he spoke. Avanna broke at the sound of his voice. The dam in her throat split open and unleashed body wracking sobs. Avanna fell into him, no longer being able to hold herself up. Wasn’t this just like her these days? She wondered why she was sobbing, why she couldn’t stop, and why here? Callan stood firm and held her while she cried. He always seemed to understand even her most unspoken words, as if he could read her soul. 

Finally, the tears began to ease and Avanna was able to hiccup in a few breaths. She was utterly embarrassed by the whole episode. Silently, she searched for a place to hide as she drew strength from Callan’s embrace. How could such a great morning turn into this disaster? How could her workplace respect her when she couldn’t even log in for work without having a breakdown? Feeling the familiar flush up her cheeks, Avanna knew hiding was ridiculous, only because it would further embarrass her. Callan seemed to sense her unease and turned his attention to her very shocked superior.

“I think she needs to go home for the day, and I’ll be taking her,” he said calmly. Knowing they wouldn’t dare oppose after such a display, Callan then turned to the mess of a woman in his arms.

“Let’s get you out of here, yea?” he asked almost jokingly. Avanna gave a weak smile before nodding in agreement. She curled into him as if her life depended on it, and the registration of that thought sent her reeling internally. This wasn’t fair to him. She used to be stronger. When did he become her knight in shining armor rather than her partner? This thought followed Avanna as they headed home. Callan held her hand the entire way.

“One day you’re gonna get tired of taking care of me,” she said sadly. They had stopped at the swing on their front porch.

“Never gonna happen,” Callan replied brightly. Avanna chuckled at his never ending surety in his love for her. She’d never felt anything like it, which was both terrifying and comforting. It was an odd combination of emotions; though that wasn’t unusual for Avanna. What was unusual was her increasing inability to keep her emotions in check. She was all over and nowhere at once, like a million tabs open in her head at the same time. It was infuriating to think of all that she was capable of, and all that was being produced. Avanna knew she could do better, she knew she was capable of so much more.

Callan never seemed to mind her emotional breakdowns, which happened way too often for her liking here recently. He never got angry when she had an anxiety attack and started getting irritable. He was patient and an amazing listener. He made her laugh and his own laughter brought light to her heart. She chuckled at herself as she realized how lucky she really was. This man was so giving and nurturing. Why was he with her? Instantly a weight settled in her heart again.

Why IS he so in love with me? I’ve got baggage in my baggage. I don’t even tell people a fraction of my story before they run off. Meaningful connections just don’t happen for me. I’m too much, too much has happened, it’s a lot for anyone to take in. Damaged goods, if I was ever even good. It’s a lot, even for me. I don’t understand why he still stays when I am not the same woman that walked into this relationship. I’ve become weak. I’m always moaning and groaning, there’s always something coming up from my past, I don’t even know how to begin working through it all, and on top of that I’m breaking down every other minute! I just don’t -

“Stop it.” commanded Callan, gently. “You’re doing that thing where you go in your head and beat yourself up. You’re allowed to break down in tears. You’re allowed to heal.”

“Yea,” Avanna snorted, “except it isn’t your responsibility to take care of my emotional shitstorm.” At this, Callan laughed and shook his head.

“Woman, you can’t scare me away,” he joked, causing Avanna to wrinkle her nose. “I’ve seen worse, been worse, loved worse. You’ll be just fine.” With that, he popped up and held out a hand to lift her up. Avanna swore she’d never loved a man more. She just wished she could give to him like she had given to the wrong people before. It was like parts of her were broken beyond repair. No matter how hard she tried, it felt like things were getting worse. 

Just. Be. Happy. Damn!

Avanna followed Callan in and the pair set about making lunch. She wanted a long nap. Her entire body felt like lead. Gratitude flooded through when Callan pulled out the sandwich press. Easy was definitely on the menu.  

After lunch, the two took a nap and watched a little anime. Callan was always down to lounge and munch on food. Avanna was both grateful and frustrated with herself. She knew that she had to keep moving forward or she’d fall into a pit of depression and be useless. To everyone. She also really enjoyed having the comfort and rest. Avanna struggled internally, and Callan seemed to sense her unrest.

“Come on, let’s go out for a walk” he said, with a steady kind of encouragement. 

He knew all too well the demons Avanna wrestled with, and even though she struggled to accept it, he always tried to be there for her. Walks were a way of getting out of her own head. It helped Avanna to breathe and move, and not get sucked into the pit of inkiness. This particular day had turned muggy, but it would still do good to get into the sunlight. As they walked, Callan chatted about things of mutual interest. Try as she might, Avanna couldn’t focus on his normally soothing voice. Something wasn’t sitting right in her, she was off kilter. Today had started out so good and she couldn’t understand what kept pulling her under. She should be feeling elated right now. Aside from work that morning, which she’d surprisingly almost forgotten, it had been a really nice day. She held on to Callan’s hand and absent mindedly trailed after the sound of his voice. 

Avanna blinked a few times as she felt him jerk her forward, her vision clearing just in time to see his face of determined panic while he pulled on her. It was then she heard the screeching brakes. The sound registered right as the truck collided with her body. She heard Callan talking to her frantically, his voice sounded so far away. There were other noises around her, fading in and out. Suddenly hands were underneath her, and Avanna felt herself being lifted. There was a soft light and mumbling around her, something about her, but she couldn’t quite make it out. As the darkness closed in again, Avanna felt herself start to lose hope. It started off as such a good morning...

Mindfulness

 

Avanna slowly became aware of her own being, one breath at a time. Her body felt heavy, mind foggy; she couldn’t remember what happened. Beneath her was a softness one could sink into, and she almost allowed herself to drift off back into the darkness. Her body was so heavy and she was sure something awful had happened. That thought jolted her awake in an instant and had her searching her surroundings for answers. 

She was in a small but cozy office. An overstuffed couch was beneath her. To her side was the most spectacular writing desk she’d ever laid eyes on. It had details, in it’s details, and the comfiest looking chair she’d ever seen. The walls were lined floor to ceiling with shelves and pictures of faces that seemed all too familiar. There was a warming balance between the dark tones of the wood and the overstuffed elegance of the furniture. As Avanna took it all in, she couldn’t help but find an odd comfort here. Soft light filtered through a window over the desk and Avanna stepped to it; her breath instantly taken away by the view. Below her, a garden like none she’d ever seen sprawled out across the land. Avanna felt drawn to it, as if she was supposed to be a part of it. Or, as if it were a part of her somehow. Such intricate designs, woven throughout, that she could get lost in them. Instead, she turned and finished inspecting the room she had woken up in. 

Avanna was certain she wasn’t dead. She just wasn’t exactly sure how she knew this, what got her here, what she was supposed to be doing, or where here happened to be. The train of thought was consuming and daunting. Where to even begin? Where was here, was this real? Trailing off in thought, Avanna’s eyes wandered about the room once more. There was a moment of shock upon realizing it was her name on the desk-plate, and curiosity got the better of her as she laughed over the little trinkets displayed around the room. 

For a moment, the sense of impending doom cleared, and Avanna felt her troubles slip away. Every corner she turned to was filled with books, pillows, blankets, or trinkets. Avanna laughed as she realized it should be cluttered. There was a balance to the whole room she couldn’t quite place her finger on. There was a familiarity she couldn’t resist, even if she didn’t understand. There was

Imprint

Publisher: BookRix GmbH & Co. KG

Text: Sarah Crutchfield
Publication Date: 10-09-2020
ISBN: 978-3-7487-6015-3

All Rights Reserved