Chapter 1

Darkness of Light

 

Part 1

 

My consciousness appeared out of nowhere, as it does every morning. It has always been a miracle to me that in a sense we are non existent when sleeping, and suddenly we come to life as our eyes open, and in a moment of temporary confusion, wonder where we are. Each night we go to bed hoping for a quick and easy transition into that “non existence”, believing (and hoping) that we will wake up when our body deems it ready. A true miracle.

This morning was no different than any other. I looked over at Nikki, still sleeping, making a little grunting sound and then rolling on her side turning her back to me. What a beautiful woman she was. I lifted my head and supported it on the palm of my hand and gazed at her. I looked at her shoulder length, jet-black hair, shining from the rays of the rising sun through the curtains. Her ear was visible, displaying the diamond studs I had bought for her 28th birthday a month before. Her smooth pale cheeks. Her gracious long neck, so feminine. The bed sheet covered her to her waist and I couldn’t help but put my hand on her shoulder, causing her to flinch slightly, and glide it gently down her back which was covered by the silkiness of her white negligee, down her narrow waist to her hip. Nikki raised her hand and gently touched my cheek.

“Mmmm,” she murmured softly and, still half asleep, slid her body back into mine into a ‘spooning’ position. I felt her soft warmth on my bare chest. My hand moved to her belly.

“Mmmm,” she murmured again and she lowered her hand to mine, squeezing it gently and taking it to her breast.

“I wish I didn’t have to go to work,” I said.

“Me too,” she replied.

I moved to get up and she held my hand tighter in an effort to stop me.

I went to kiss her cheek and she turned her face toward me and I kissed her mouth instead, feeling her soft lips on mine, her hand behind my head and her fingers running through my hair. Without separating her lips from mine, she turned to face me, throwing a leg over mine and moving her hand behind my butt, pulling me into her. I was torn between getting up or staying with Nikki, but I knew I had to work.

“I have to go to work,” I said as I pulled away from her and scrambled out of bed, my feet tangling in the bed sheet and falling to the floor in the process. Nikki burst out laughing and jumped from the bed, pouncing on me like a cat on a mouse, and sat on top of me, tickling my ribs.

“You idiot,” she laughed as I tried to defend myself from her probing fingers in my ribs. I grabbed her wrists and pulled her hands away, causing her to flop on top of me, her breasts flattening out on my chest and her face close to mine.

“Tonight,” she said. “Tonight you’re mine.” and we kissed again.

Nikki jumped to her feet. “Well,” she said in mock seriousness, “go on. Get your pale white arse out of here,” and she climbed back into bed.

I showered, half hoping she would jump in with me, but she stayed in bed, which was probably just as well.

I dried myself off and walked naked back into the bedroom to get dressed. I pulled some underwear from the drawer.

“Need a hand?” she teased.

 “I really have to go, Nikki,” I said reluctantly.

“I know,” she laughed. “I’m just messing with you.”

I gave her a quick kiss and left.

“Bye Nikki. See you tonight.”

“Love you Babe,” she replied.

As I reversed out of the driveway I looked up to see her at the window, waving goodbye. It gave me a strange feeling in the pit of my stomach. I didn’t know why at the time.

 

 

 

Part 2

 

Working as a plumber wasn’t so bad. I was the son of a plumber. I was twenty nine years old and had been qualified for about a year, after taking on an apprenticeship at twenty four. My father had wanted to get me into the family business when I left school, but I had other ideas, which involved poor choices and wasted years on welfare, drugs and alcohol. It was as if I had a death wish. All my friends were deadbeats and all my heroes were villains. That was until I met Nikki. As I crawled through the morning peak hour traffic I thought about how we met. It was at a mutual friend’s party and we just hit it off. She was standing in a group with a wine in her hand chatting and laughing and the moment I saw her I was smitten. I couldn’t take my eyes off her. She wore tight jeans and a white crop top, and she had a white ribbon in her long black hair. She had such a calm friendly face with perfect complexion, and wasn’t wearing makeup. But it wasn’t just her natural beauty, it was something else. Something in the way she spoke, something in her laugh, something in her mannerisms, something in her eyes. It was all of those things. Or it was something else. I just don’t know exactly, but it was something, and it captivated me. She noticed me looking at her and her expression turned blank, and she stared at me also, as if she knew me. She went back to chatting with the group and I joined a group of guys that I knew. But I kept checking Nikki out, and she kept glancing at me. I finished my drink and noticed Nikki looking over at me so I pointed to my empty glass and then pointed to her, silently asking the question. She looked at her glass – almost empty- and nodded with a smile and she came to me.

“Hi. I’m Michael,” I said, taking her glass and filling it with wine, and handing it back to her.

“I’m Nikki”. Even her name was beautiful. Nikki. She held her hand out for a handshake. When I put my hand to hers it was as if an electric shock had passed between us. The world seemed to stand still and the only two people in that room were Nikki and me. We talked as if we were long lost friends catching up. The conversation naturally got around to our professions.

“So what do you do for a living, Michael?”

Oh shit. What do I say? Is she going to want to know me if I tell her I don’t have a job? That I party every night of the week? That alcohol and drugs are my meat and three veg? I didn’t even have some deadbeat job that I could talk up and make it sound better than it was. But for some reason I couldn’t lie to her. Not even if I wanted to.

“I haven’t worked for years, Nikki.”

“Oh..” she said, taken aback. “Well, something will come along, I’m sure.”

Something changed in me in that instant. I suddenly didn’t want to continue my life as it was. For the first time I had a vision of something outside the realm of so called good times, easy going lifestyle, alcohol and drug fuelled parties. That life was all a myth.

“Actually,” I said, “I’m thinking of taking an apprenticeship as a plumber. I know I’m a bit older than apprentices normally are, but it’s becoming more commonplace. My father is a retired plumber, and he made good money in his time. I think he may know someone who will take me on.” It wasn’t a lie, because in that moment I knew what I wanted to do with my life, and it involved Nikki. “How about you, Nikki? What do you do?”

“I’m studying to be an accountant. I’ve always been good with figures and I think I’ll be good at it.”

“Why doesn’t that surprise me?” I replied. “Beauty AND brains!”

She laughed, and her eyes sparkled. The noisy room was full of people chatting, and the music was thumping, and yet there was still only Nikki and me in that room, in a world of our own. She had some kind of magical spell cast over me, I was sure of it.

Suddenly a drunk guy stumbled into Nikki, knocking the glass from her hand and spilling wine on to her top. I saw red. I angrily grabbed him by the collar and pushed him against the wall.

“Michael stop it!” she shouted and everyone stopped talking and turned to see what was going on. “What are you doing? There’s no need for that. It was an accident,” she said, clearly annoyed. She gave me a long look of disappointment and walked back to her group.

“I’m sorry, man,” I said to the guy as I let go of him.

“Hey no problem,” he replied. “It was my fault.”

I kept looking over at Nikki but she didn’t return my looks. Not once. She didn’t join in with her group’s conversation; her head was bowed the whole time. Within an hour she had left. I knew I’d blown it. But a change had taken effect in me. I was going to do something with my life.

The following morning I told my father of my plans of an apprenticeship. He was clearly pleased and by that evening had arranged an interview with an old colleague who was still in business. At the mature age of twenty four, my life was up and running. I woke early every day and worked hard, trying my best and really making a go of my opportunities. I stopped hanging out with my old crowd and made some new decent friends through work. I was a new man. But I couldn’t get Nikki off my mind. I hadn’t seen her since the party, months before. I thought of her constantly. I lay in bed every night seeing her sparkling eyes and captivating smile….. and her look of disappointment. It ate away at me.

Then just like in those corny romantic movies, about 11 months later I was at the supermarket. I rounded a corner with my trolley and came face to face with Nikki. We stopped in our tracks and stared at each other, both so shocked that we were unable to utter a word.

“Nikki,” I said eventually.

“Hi Michael. It’s been a while. How are you? What have you been up to?”

“So much has happened since I saw you last,” I replied. “I got that apprenticeship, and I’m loving it.”

“Hey that’s great,” she said, and I could tell she genuinely meant it.

There was an awkward silence.

“Hey look, Nikki,” I began, “I’m so sorry about that night at the party. I don’t know what happened. I’m not like that. It wasn’t me.”

“Oh forget about it,” she said, touching her hand on my shoulder. “It’s history. I overreacted. I’m sorry too. I know you were only trying to protect me… in a goofy kind of way!” and she laughed and once again I saw that sparkle in her eyes as she stared into mine, and I laughed along with her. It was as if our meeting at the party had restarted where it left off.

“Would you like to go for a coffee?” I asked.

“Hmm…Good looks….AND can read minds. I’ll have to be careful what I’m thinking about when you’re around,” she grinned. “Come on” she said, “I know a place just around the corner.”

We deserted the trolleys where they stood; half full of groceries, and Nikki led me to a café down the street where she said she goes all the time.

We sat at the cafe for over an hour, just chatting and laughing as if we were best friends catching up after a time apart. Nikki raised her cup to finish off the last drop of her cappuccino and it left a moustache of milky froth on her top lip.

“What are you laughing at?” she said, smiling.

“Hold still,” I replied. “Don’t move.”

I reached across the table and wiped the froth with my forefinger. I looked her directly into the eyes as I placed the froth-covered finger into my mouth and savoured the taste. “Mmm,” I said, “delicious.”

Nikki’s eyes widened and her jaw dropped in disbelief. “Oh my God,” she said. “I don’t believe you just did that,” and she started laughing.

“You can get it back, you know,” I said teasingly.

She looked at me, not understanding. Then the realisation hit her.

“Why Michael whatever-your-last-name-is,” she said, smiling indignantly. “How very forward of you.”

“It’s Matthews,” I said. “Michael Matthews.

“Michael Matthews,” she repeated, looking to the sky as if deep in thought. “It has a ring to it” she said.

“Well,” I said, “ are you going to come and get it back or not?”

Nikki’s smile faded and she looked more serious than I had seen her. She studied my face for a few seconds seemingly unsure of what to do, almost a look of ‘fight or flight’, then quickly stood and leaned across the small cafe table before she could change her mind, and planted her lips on mine, and she kissed me so hard and for so long that I didn’t think it would end. I didn’t want it to. Her tongue searched my mouth as if she really did want to get that froth back.

“Get a room, you two,” said the café worker as she walked past. Nikki and I looked at each other and burst out laughing.

“Taylor. Nikki Taylor,” she said, holding her hand out for me to shake, and trying to regain her breath.

“Pleased to meet you Taylor, Nikki Taylor,” I replied, taking her hand.

 

 

 

Part 3

 

My trip down memory lane was interrupted by car horns blaring behind me. I looked up and saw there was about 100 meters between me and the car in front. I held up my hand in apology to the drivers behind me and drove off to work.

The weather was hot that day and the work was hard, working in a confined space in a factory ceiling, but I enjoyed it. I was a member of society, doing my bit, paying taxes, and making Nikki proud of me. At about 9.30 my phone rang. It was Nikki.

“Hi Nikki,”

“Hey Babe,” she replied.

“What’s up?” I asked.

“Just wondered if you wanted to have lunch with me.”

“Sure,” I replied, “but I’m pretty dirty and sweaty.”

“That’s ok. We can go to our usual café and sit outside, away from the other customers so you don’t stink the place out.”

“Thanks Nikki,” I joked sarcastically. “Thanks for your understanding.”

“Oh, you’ll be fine Michael,” she said dismissively. “I’ve got something to tell you.”

“What is it? Is everything ok?”

“Everything’s fine,” she replied. “See you there about twelve?”

“Ok. Love you,” I said.

“Love you more” she replied.

I wondered what she wanted to tell me, but I wasn’t worried. If something was wrong I’m sure she wouldn’t leave me hanging, she would come straight out with it.

We finished the job about eleven o’clock. I asked the boss if I could have an extended lunch break and he agreed. He was a good employer and besides.. he knew he’d get back the extra hour on another job. I arrived at the café forty minutes early and ordered my usual..a black coffee. For some reason I was feeling very reflective that day, with memories of my life with Nikki constantly resurfacing.

I pictured her on our wedding day, in her white dress and veil. She was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. Funny thing was that it was she who proposed.

“You were taking so long,” she said at the time, “that if I didn’t take matters into my own hands, we would NEVER be married.”

There are millions of guys in the world, and she could have had any one of them, but she chose me.

I could still see her in her wedding dress. White, lacy, strapless, low cut at the front showing a glimpse her ample cleavage, a zip at the back. I remember her veil, and how her eyes sparkled as she raised it at the altar. The ceremony was just a blur to me as I almost automatically repeated my vows. We sneaked away from the reception earlier than we probably should have and went back to our hotel. I undressed and lay on the bed as Nikki went to the bathroom to freshen up. She was still in there ten minutes later. I knocked on the bathroom door.

“You ok in there Nikki?”

“Give me a minute Michael.”

When Nikki emerged from the bathroom she had changed back into her wedding dress, veil and all.

“Do you know how hard it is to do up that damn zip by myself? She asked.

“Why did you put it back on anyway?” I asked, not understanding.

“Because I’m your bride, Michael,” she replied softly, “Don’t you want me like this?”

She held out her hands beckoning me to stand. I stood there naked in front of her, face to face.

We didn’t get to sleep until the early hours of the morning. 

 

 

Part 4

 

“Earth to Michael. Come in Michael. Over”

This was the second time that day I had been jolted out my trance.

“You were lost there Michael. What were you thinking about?”

“Just recalling our wedding night. Do you remember?”

“Only every second of it” she replied with a grin. Nikki ordered a cappuccino and we both had the chicken and avocado on toast.

"So tell me," she said "what stands out in your memory of our wedding day?"

"Hmmm.." I pondered, "I think standing with you at the altar, exchanging vows."

"That's a lie Michael," she said with a knowing smile. "Want to try again?" 

She saw right through me. There was only one answer.

 "In the hotel room after the reception, when I looked down at you in your bridal gown, and you became my wife in every way.”

"There" she said. "That wasn't so hard. I'd be dissapointed if you found wedding vows more memorable than that."

“So” I began, "what did you want to talk to me about?”

Nikki hesitated, looking serious.

“Well, you know how I’ve been feeling a bit off lately? Well, I got some tests done and I just got the results.”

I looked at her in silence.

“They found a growth inside me Michael.”

My heart sunk. I was speechless for a few seconds. My mind was swimming and I couldn’t think straight.

“Is it aggressive Nikki?” I asked as I reached over and put my hands on hers.

“Maybe.” she replied in all seriousness. “It depends whether it’s a boy and if he decides to defend a girl’s honour at a party.”

“What?” I muttered, trying to process what she said.

“I’M PREGNANT MICHAEL!” she burst out. “WE’RE GOING TO HAVE A BABY.”

It took a few seconds for the information to sink in, and then I almost jumped the table and hugged her and kissed her face all over.

“Get a room,” said the café worker as she cleared the table next to us.

 

It was hard to concentrate on work the rest of the day. I couldn't believe I was going to be a father. Nikki and I. Parents together.

As soon as I walked in the front door that night Nikki grabbed my hand and led me up the stairs to the bedroom and pushed me on the bed.

“Wait here,” she said and disappeared into the bathroom. I lay there for a couple of minutes. I felt strange. I had a sudden subtle feeling of impending doom. I felt a pain in my chest. Just a bit of indigestion, I told myself. Must have been that chicken at lunchtime.

But it persisted, and got worse until it felt like a rope being tightened around my chest.

A heart attack??? I thought. It can’t be. I’m only twenty nine. Within a couple of minutes my breathing was difficult and the pain terrible.

“Well?” I heard Nikki say as she emerged from the bathroom wearing her wedding dress, turning in a circle with her hand on her hips to model it. “ How do I look? Ready for round two?”

Nikki suddenly looked at me with a panicked expression. “MICHAEL! WHAT’S WRONG?”

I felt faint and weak.

A faint light flickered in the distance behind her.

“MICHAEL!” she screeched. “MICHAEL!”

A strange voice inside my head urged me to stay away from that light. But it was getting closer and growing in size and intensity. In my mind I tried to back away from it but it was drawing me in. I was afraid but at the same time exhilarated. I felt strangely ready and willing to go wherever I was about to go. It seemed inevitable. I felt a peace and calmness I had only ever felt before in Nikki’s arms.

“MICHAEL! ANSWER ME!”

Memories of Nikki and me began playing in my mind’s cinema, like an old home movie. The memory of her glowing face at lunch as she excitedly told me of her pregnancy; of lying on the bed that morning, watching her as she slept, of our passionate kiss when she woke, of her sitting on me laughing and tickling my ribs; of her birthday a month ago when I gave her the diamond studs that I had saved 6 months to buy, watching her excited face as I put them in her earlobe; of slow dancing with Nikki to the song ‘Unchained Melody’ at our wedding reception, our eyes closed, her arm around my neck and her cheek against mine, lost in each other as we stayed on the dance floor long after the music had stopped and everyone else had sat down.

“MICHAEL! WAKE UP!”

..of carrying her over the threshold at the house we had bought together, clumsily bumping her hip on the doorway and both ending up stumbling and falling to the floor laughing hysterically; of her standing before me on my own birthday, slipping the strap of her negligee from her shoulder and letting it drop to the floor, offering herself to me, promising anything I wanted; of her sadness and tears when her mother passed away and how I saw the beauty of her soul even in her grief; of the very first time I saw her at the party, standing there in tight jeans and even tighter crop top, wearing red strap-on shoes and a white ribbon in her hair. That was the moment I fell in love…the moment my life changed, when we stared into each other’s eyes as if everything in our lives before we met was just a lead up to that moment.

“Goodbye Nikki,” I said, and my vision blurred as a tear filled each eye. I blinked to force the tears out.

I didn’t know if I was saying the words out loud or if they were just in my mind- it sounded like a hollow deep echo.

Nikki was hysterical, crying uncontrollably and shaking me by the shoulders. “MICHAEL! PLEASE WAKE UP!”

I knew I was dying. I felt privileged and blessed that my last moments in this world were with Nikki, even in this harrowing time. She was the love of my life but now my life was ending. I vaguely wondered what death will be like. Will I be a ghost, watching over her? That would just be weird. Would I be nonexistent, as in a sleep, suddenly waking inside a new born baby a nanosecond after death, or fifty million years after, to live life again as a new person. Or would my spirit be just a drop returning to that great ocean of spirit, the individual entity of Michael Matthews gone forever, disappearing into that infinite blend of other fallen souls.

“MICHAEL!!    WAKE!!    UP!!” she screamed, shaking me violently.

I tried to speak but no sound would come. I tried to put my hand on hers but I couldn’t move. I was paralysed. Nikki rested her head on my chest and sobbed, her hands still on my shoulders. I felt her gushing tears on my skin as they rolled to my belly and down the side of my body to the mattress. Nikki faded from my vision as the intense light surrounded and blinded me.

“MICHAEL! NO!” she sobbed with a resigned hopelessness, “ WAKE UP! I LOVE YOU!” but her voice was now distant, barely audible.

“I’m so sorry,” I whispered, possibly only in my mind. “I love you Nikki. I’ll love you forever. I..."

The pain in my chest subsided, and I experienced a sudden rush of euphoria as my mind itself was overwhelmed by a kaleidoscope of colours.

 

 

                                      ************************

 

 

 

 

 

 Part 5

 

The light is gone, yet there is no darkness either. There is nothing - nothing bar my thoughts. I have no physical sensation. I know I have died, yet I feel no fear, nor regret, nor sadness. Although I am alone, I feel no loneliness.

 I realise that I have always existed. I am that conciousness- that voice that dwelt in my head throughout my entire life - the voice of reason, encouragement and doubt. That mysterious - and at times intrusive - stranger that constantly critiqued me, argued with me, 2nd-guessed me, and guided me.

Even in life, I somehow knew that I have always existed in some form – and that I will endure forever - either here, or as a life force somewhere in the physical plane. It seemed impossible that it could be any other way; unimaginable that I could perish and cease to exist.

I have memories - memories of my life, from my birth right up until the moment of my demise. I remember Nikki, and the life we shared, but there is no longer any sense or concept of time; no clue as to how much of Earth’s time has passed since I saw her. There are vague memories of previous lives we have shared through the eons. She is somehow an intrinsic part of me; my soulmate for eternity, separated, but destined to be drawn together again like two magnets, in this realm or another, by the divine phenomenon known as love.

 

I know that Nikki will find me. All I can do now is wait.

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Publication Date: 10-17-2022

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