Chapter One
I was the kind of girl who had so many questions like whether I wanted to live or die. But all those questions would soon probably come true. I hated my life I hated everything about me, the way I looked, the way I acted everything on my body disgusted me. I could never keep a boyfriend probably cuzz I have so little self asteem. My mom aint right and nobody seems to care about me. I just wish I could start my life over or a miracle would soon happen but I know those are just all dreams. I turned over in my bed tracing over the scars that were all over my body from pain and people abusing me like my mother and all the men she messed with. For some reason they always wanted something from me and my mom could care less about me and how I feel to just have a good relationship and a big fat check in her mail. Whatever those men wanted from me she would let them have it while I'm in the room crying trying to fight back to get away and she is in the living room smocking and counting all the money. I hated my mom I know thats wrong but I don't feel loved I'm not sure I love myself. I got up out the bed and into the kitchen. I walked in and saw my mom and her man kissing and caring on. I hurried and turned my head so they wouldn't see me but I looked to long.
Tyler: come her baby gurl
I just stood there to terrified to move.
Mom: go on baby gurl he don't bite
I walked over.
Tyler: now baby gurl me and yo mom need some alone time and when you in here I can't do what I wanna do so go play with your dolls.
Me: I'm 15 I don't play with dolls and I'm hungry.
Tyler: look you can eat later now go in your room before I take off my belt.
I walked back in the room. I turned on the tv and ploped on my bed. I was not having fun I was mad.
Chapter Two
I walked to the living room to see if mom was home. Today at school I was made student council president and I wanted to tell my mom. But she was no where. Then I went to the basemet. Tyler was down there. I looked in the basement everywhere but she wasn't there no where.
Tyler: what are you doing
Me: looking for my mom I made student council and I'm the president
Tyler: well yo moms aint here
Me: ok
I was about to walk until he got up and blocked my way.
Tyler: look I'm your dad now so lets have some daughter and dad time.
Me: umm sorry I have homwework
He grabbed my wrist real tight were I couldn't get loose.
Tyler: you can do that later. He threw me on the couch and got on top of me. He started to yank and pull at my shirt. I screamed and screamed but he was to strong and powerful. Then it went from there. He got up off me as the blood from my wrist went down to to the palms of my hands. It looked like the red sea from my hand. My mom came walking in. I hurried and ran passed her. She looked very shock but as soon as she herd the word money her ears were wide opened and her focus on me slipped away. I used to say that my mom was absent minded but I knew she just didn't care about me. Then my mom came knocking at the door. I opened it to let her in as I sat on the bed and watched as she came and sat by me.
Mom: honey why are you bleeding
Me: mama I think you know the answer
Mom: look I wan't your hands off my mans.
I looked at her disgusted.
Me: mom I don't want him and he put his hands on me and you don't even care.
MOm: you just wished you had him, look at you every man I get you say they raped you but I know you wanted it.
I looked at her as tears ran down my eyes.
Me: mom your crazy get out get out.
She got up and walked out . I hated it when she didn't believe me, she always thought I wanted her men but the only thing I wanted was for them to stop hurting me and for my mom to love me. I wish I had a normal teenage life but I don't.
chapter three
I was happy I went to school so all my pain and sadness would go away everytime I saw my friends. I had two bestfriends DJ and Carla. They was always there for me. I told them everyhthing, well almost everything. Not once did I ever tell them about my personal life. I figured if I did they would think I'm disgusting and probably wont ever talk to me again. But if thats what happens then there not true friends but it is what it is. I walked down the halls to my locker. Then DJ comes up.
DJ: look whats with the frown you didn't call me last night I mean whats up with that
Me: sorry I was busy
DJ: busy with what
Me: look I have class in the next 2 mintues and talking to you is going to get me a tardy.
DJ: ok is that how you feeling.
I laughed as I walked to my class before the bell rung.
&
I walked up the steps to my porch. I herd screaming and yelling. I already knew what was going on my mom was putting Tyler out. I didn't feel like listening or hearing them yell and fight each other so I kept walking then I thought about when I was 12 and my mom was planning on putting her last man out George. I was in my room minding my own business. He knocked at the door. I rember everything as I walked my mind told the story.
George: hey what you doing there
Me: minding my own business
He laughed and sat next to me. I scooted over but he kept comming towards were I almost fell off the bed.
George: look you wanna play a game
Me: no I'm fine so please go
George: but I want to play
Me: ok well you can play by yourself
George: you know you have alot of mouth and I'm going to teach you how to speak to an adult like myself.
He grabbed my wrist and squeezed it very hard then he touched my legs. I pulled away from him.
Me: let me go now
George: no
He started to touch my face and whisper things in my ear. Then he slammed me on the bed. I couldn't get loose. I looked and pulled everywhere but I just couldn't get loose. I stop thinking because a flood of tears came down my eyes. Then Carla and DJ saw me. I tried to clear the tears but they just kept comming.
Carla: are you crying
Me: no just allergies
DJ: don't lie
Me: look I'm fine see
I wiped the tears.
Carla: look you can tell me
Me: I wish I could
They looked at each other.
DJ: look we have been friends so long and you never kept a secret from us and neither have we.
Me: look if I tell you, you may never want to talk to me again.
DJ: And whats that suppose to mean
Me: Look I'm not the same girl you guys met 8 years ago I have changed ok
Carla: Plase tell us
Me: if you really want to know well my life isn't what it seems
DJ: What do you mean?
Me: I mean I have been hiding things from you
Carla: Like what
Me: Saying that I'm ok when I'm not the reason why I havent been calling you is because I been screwing my mom boyfriends.
Carla and DJ"s mouth droped. I ran and I ran not looking back.
Chapter Four
Dj and Carla ran after me. I really didn't expect them too. I stoped as they caught up.
DJ: Look what do you mean
Me: I mean I've been raped by my mom boyfriends forever and every time I tell her she doesn't believe me she says I want it and now I don't think I want to live.
Carla: Look you listen to me now, we have been friends for so long and you never told me about this
Me: Look I didn't think you would understand or be my friend anymore, I was scared ok
DJ: Look who ever did this to you I'm going to get them
Me; Its really not that serious and besides I'm going to go anyway
Crala: were are you going?
Me: Well I don't want to live so I really don't know
DJ: Your palnning on killing yourself are you crazy!!!
Me: Look its the only way out and if you known what I've been through you would want to do the same.
Carla: Look there is another way out besdies giving up your life
Me: And what excatly is that
DJ: We don't know but we do know is killing yourslef is nuts
me: DJ you don't take anything seroius don't you
Carla: Look were going to help you through this stay strong
Me; Why do yawl care anyway
DJ: Becuas your our friend and we love you
Me; You know for the path I'm going it really does sound good to hear someone loves me
Carla: And if you kill yourself I don't know what I will do
Me; Look don't worry about me ok, look I gotta go see ya
DJ: Stay strong
Chapter Five
I walked back to the house. My mom and Tyler were hugging and kissing. I thought what a Bipolar relationship.
MOM: Baby were have you been
Me: Not here
Tyler: Look don't get smart with your mom
Me: And what is it to you
MOM: Look I just wanna know were you are
MY mind kept going back about what Tyler had done to me.
Me: Mom if you wanna know so much I think you should know that your so called boyfriend is screwing me more than he is screwing you.
My mom got up and samcked me. I was going to hit her back. but I just ran in the bathroom and looked in the medicine cabinet and got some pills. I started to take a whole bottle of them without using any water. Then a knock came at the door. I kept taking them. I could hear my mom screaming and telling me to oepn the door but I just kept taking them. Then Tyler bust through the door and my mom came running to me. I could hear yelling. But my eyes began to close and my body got weaker and weaker. I saw something and myself go ahead. Then I went into a deep sleep.
Carla
I kept crying and crying. I didn't know what to say. I couldn't believe my ears. When I fount out that keasha was dead I was just so sad and hurt. I was really hurt because the same day she died was the same day me and DJ told her not to and stay strong. But she chose something dumb instead. But i know she is in a better place than here. I wish I could just see her one more time and feel her laughter and her making me laugh by the silly faces she made. But now that has all gone to an end. her funeral will be held tomorrow at 10:00.I just couldn't still believe that I was burying my friend tomorrow like how could this be and DJ is really taken it hard he really liked her and more than a friend. He told me he wished he could have done something and told her sooner about how he felt about her. Today I was going to her house to get some things from her so I could still remebr her. I got my clothes on and brushed my teeth and washed my face. Then I was ready to go. I walked to her house and knocked on the door. Her mom answered it.
Me: Hi Miss. Nancy
MOM: Hi
Me: So umm I herd about keasha and I'm really sorry she was one of my best friends to
MOM: Yeah I know my baby girl was amazing
Me: Look I don't mean no disrespect but she did this to herself because of you
MOM: Now look here my baby girl did that to herself I had nothing to do with her
Me: Look you are to dumb to relize that all those men you brought in your home did horrible things to my friend and she thought the best way out wasm suicide and thats excatly what she did now who is talking now.
MOM: Look you can get off my porch
Me: Look I'm just here to get some things from her
MOM: Look not right now
Me: Look if your where a real mom you would have believed in her and relized that she was in so much pain, and now because of you I have no friend and she killed herself so is that what you wanted because you got your gift.
Tears ran out my eyes.
MOM: Look come in and get what you need thing you take your smart self out of my house.
I walked in and walked to her room. Then I looked through her stuff. I saw this diary and took it. Then I walked to her mom.
Me: Have you seen this
MOM: No I haven't
Me: Well I'm going to take it ok
MOM: Go ahead get out
I walked out and walked to my house and started to read the diary.
Keasha's Diary Of Secrets
Dear Mom,
Today something terrible happened to me and I didn't tell you because you didn't listen. I wish I could just live a normal 10 year older life.
I stoped reading. This diary was made when she was 10 and she didn't tell me about this stuff. I was shocked but I kept reading as tears ran down the page.
You never listened to me. You always listend to those men you let Mike hurt me and he took advantage of me. We were sitting on the couch and he asked me if I wanted to be a woman. I didn't know what that had meant. So I said yes and he touched me and it went on from there. I felt not good about what had done and I asked my mom if it was ok and she said I was lying. But I didn't know what she had emant. Until it started to get out of control and I got tired of it and the hitting and abusing me started.
I had to stop, I couldn't read no more. I felt sad and dumb that I didn't relize all alone that my friend was getting raped my men when she was only 10. I liad on my bed and cried myself to sleep.
DJ
I walked to the door and saw Carla crying. I opened it.
Me: Carla whats wrong
Carla: Look I went back to keasha's house yesterday and I grabbed a few things so I could remeber her and I found this.
She held the diary up.
Me: Whats this
Carla: Its her diary and she tells everything I couldn't read anymore because it was to sad and I cried myself to sleep all night long.
Me: Well what did she write
Carla: Look I don't want to talk about it but i came here so you could read it yourself.
She gave me the book.
Carla: Look I gotta run see ya
I closed the door behind her, and i began to read.
Dear MOm,
Today I was sitting in the living room and you told me that you loved me and I couldn't belive my ears. I thought that you really had meant it but I saw that you were just lying. You used to get me all the time with that smile and the glow in your big eyes. But deep down in that heart of yours you are nothing but a dictator and I hate you. I've believed in you to long and now im done and I'm done being your bitch.
I stoped reading and closed the book. It was to much for me to handel. I laid back in my bed and thought about how if keasha would have lived me and her could've been something.
MOM
I was waiting in the care for the police officer to dirrect the traffic for my baby's funeral. I wish I could have stopped her that day. I walked in the church and at sat at the front with my boyfriend Tyler. Then her friend Carla and DJ came up to me.
Carla: What is he doing here you have no right to have him come in this place
Me: What are you talking about?
Carla: Look he is the one who cost my friends death and you don't even care but your lucky were in this church because
Tyler: Lil girl you better shutup and get out of my womans face
She walked away. I did feel guilty. Then people started to walk in.
Lady: Look I'm so sorry about your girl
Me: Oh thankyou
&
Finally the funeral was over and I was walking to my car. Then Carla came up.
Carla: Look I told you I wasn't done
Tyler: Look you get away from this car right now or I'll care the police
Carla: Call I have a lot to tell
Me; is that a threat
Carla; Call it what you want
Me: What do you want?
carla: I want you to read this diary and I want to see if you hate yourself even more
She handed me the diary and she walked away. As we got in the car I started to read and tears came down my eyes as I kept seeing the words raped, hate and so on. I didn't want to believe my girl because I wanted to be loved and what i didn't relize is that the love I needed was right there in front of me. I closed the book.
Tyler: Why are you crying ?
Me: Tyler I need you to get out of me car right now !
Tyler: No !
Me: If you don't I will call the police
Tyler: Look baby we are going to go home and we are going to talk about this
Me: There is nothing to talk about now leave !
Tyler: No!
I started to drive the car crazy and he finally got out. I drove off real quick.
Carla
I walked to DJ's house beacause he needed someone to talk to me and him weeped in each other arms as we read more of her diary.
Dear Mom,
Today Jodey took me to the beach and we had so much fun. Then it all ended when we got in the car. He asked me did I want to be a woman and I asked what did he mean. He said let me show you. He put his hands all over my body as I looked confused. I told him I didn't want to be a woman anymore but he didn't listen and he kept traveling through my body. I tried to get out the car but he kept whispering in my ear relax. Then he stoped. It had hurted so bad and I was wondering why.
Me and Dj closed the book. Keasha's mother had returned it to us she told us she read the whole thing, and to be honest I believed her. She had told us that she kicked tyler's nasty ass out her life and now she's happier than ever. But I just wished she kicked his ass out years ago because a life could have been saved. My friends life. Dj leaned against me.
Me: I'm so sad
DJ: Me too but we got to stay strong thats what keasha would've wanted
Me: But look shes not here she just had to leave us
DJ: But I feel like the worst friend ever
Me: Why?
DJ: Look all this time her mom men been screwing her and we haven't even noticed she had been comming to school looking depressed and what did we do, we buged her about not answering our calls.
Me: Yeah ur right
DJ: I just feel so stupid for not even carrying
Me: But DJ its to late we have to deal with it
He got up
DJ: But I don't want to deal with it, I loved her
Me: I did to you know
He walked out the house.
MOM
I was sitting on the couch when a knock came at my door. I opened it and it was Tyler.
Me: Look I told you to leave
Tyler: I know what you told me
Me: Well you need to go
Tyler: Look baby I know your depressed about your baby girl dying because she is a true physco but look I loved her to you know.
Me: Yes you loved her the wrong way and now shes dead because of it
Tyler: Now sweetie you think its just me, look I know I did wrong but look you have brung some many men around that girl she doesn't know what to do so she decides to kill herself.
Me: Shutup and get out before I call the police
Tyler: Look I was just leaving oh and tell Keasha I said hi and I love her.
I started to cry as he walked out the door.
&
It had been a month now since my baby girl killed herself. I hate to say it but she did and its all because of me. My whole life I just wanted someone to love me but what I should have been doing was loving my daughter and myself. I never thought she felt that way and I feel like the worse mother ever. Her friends don't even like me and they shoudln't not right now anyway.
Dj
I coudln't think or feel anything I was so sad. I was really mad at myslef because I walked out on Carla yesterday and she needed me and to be honest I needed her. I couldn't keep running away from anything so today I dedcided to visit Keasha's grave. I had went to the flower shop to pick up her favorite flowers, roses. I carried them to the car and let the wind woosh past my face. Then I pulled up to the cemetary. I was about to turn around and go back and hide and run away liek the little boy I am but I saw Carla and Keasha's mom there so I had no choice but to go. I was the man in this and I had to act like one. So I grabbed the flowers and walked out the car and into the cemetary. I walked to Keasha's grave and laid the roses on it. I whispered her a prayer. Then Carala and Keasha's mom walked up to me.
Miss Nancy: Hey honey how are you holding up
Me: Good Good
Miss Nany: I know we all miss her and I know I do to but shes in a better place
Carla: You got that right
I could tell Carla wasn't taking this easy and was putting all her anger towards Keasha's mom and I wouldn't blame her but right now she needed to show some respect.
Me: Hey Umm Carla we should talk
Carla: Theres nothing to talk about
Miss Nancy: I'm going to go see yawl later
She kissed Keasha's garve and then left. I grabbed Carla's arm and walked her to my car.
Me: I didn't want to talk about this stuff by her grave but we really need to talk
Carla: Look Dj I love you
Me: I love you to
Carla: No shutup you don't
Me: What do you mean
Carla: I mean I love you more than a friend I've always had but I never had the guts to tell you
Me: And you decide to tell me now !
Carla: I thought it would be best
Me: NO! NO! It isn't why didn't you tell me
Carla: You really want to know !
Me: Yes!
Carla: Because I was afarid you woudln't feel the same about me and I see that you dont
She let go of my hand and walked away.
I couldn't believe me ears, Like how could this be.
I hoped back in my car. I coudln't beleive what I was hearing. I mean I never felt that way about her before. I had to talk her. Not only was I recovering from my best friends's lost but now I have to go through finding out my other best friend was in love with me. Wow, I didn't know what to say or think.
Carla
I was so mad. I tell DJ That I love him and all he has to say is I don't feel that way about you. Well he didn't say that but he might as well. I was driving home when I saw his car pull up. I got out not looking at him.
DJ: Look Carla I know you don't want to talk to me but I need to talk to you.
Me: What is there to talk about?
DJ: Look when you told me you loved me, sure I was shocked but you never told me and I wasn't expecting that and at least not from you.
Me: Look you proved that you don't love me so you can just leave
DJ: No! what I'm trying to say is that I need you and you need me
Carla: But you never liked me or loved me like I love you
DJ: Well I'm asking for you to give me well us a chance
I looked shocked.
Me: DJ I don't understand
DJ: Look I wanna be with you so we both can recover from Keasha's death, I know its going to be hard but with me and you we can get through this together.
Me: I love you DJ
DJ: I love you to
He kissed me and we walked in my house.
MOM
I was cooking some chicken noodle soup, Keasha's favorite. I smiled as I thought of her name. I thought to myslef, I don't think I can forgive myself. I even know I won't but I gotta get through this. I just wished I could just rewind this all and act like the mother she wanted and needed. But No you only have one life to live and there is no way turning back like there is no rewind button. We are not cats were they have 6 lives to live and we are not vampires who can live forever. We are human beings who soon one day will die and never return bt return in a new life a better one. I just wished I listened to her when she first told me about my first boyfriend. I knew she was telling the truth I just didn't want to believe her and when I start she kills herself. But the thing is, is why did I care now I should have cared along time ago. But everyone makes mistakes and they have to learn from them. But why did my mistake cost my daughters life. I sipped the chicken noodle soup. Then a knock came at the door. It was DJ and Carla.
Me: Hey can I help yawl
Carla: Miss Nancy I'm sorry for what I said about you and now I'm here to make it up
DJ: Same here
Me: No its fine
Carla: Are you sure your fine?
Me: Yes I'm fine
DJ: Then why are you eating chicken noodle soup?
Me: Beacuse I can
DJ: No its because it was Keasha's favorite
I burst in tears. DJ and Carla came over and hugged me.
Carla: Miss Nancy were here for you and we will be here to help you recover from Keasha's death
Me: Thankyou so much she would want it
DJ: Yeah your baby gurl had a good heart
Me: I know and yawl do to
That day I learned a lesson that when you make a mistake there is always someone to be there to help you learn from it and pick yourself back up.
Imprint
Publication Date: 05-01-2012
All Rights Reserved
Dedication:
I DEDICATE THIS BOOK TO MY FRIENDS.