Author Note
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This Book is just about me... I think i think and inside about how im feeling what more bullshit thats on my mind. how i react to things..just how i fucking feel to be honest.So if you dont wanna hear someone sulk or just talk about stupid stuff then might aswell turn around or exit out this book i dont even know.what ever works for you
Hate
I hate myself. for everything that has happened to me it is my fault. i wouldn't be feeling like shit right now if i didn't listen to others.I chose to learn the hard way.Now look at myself "On The Cold Hard Ground" he don't give a shit and never will to be honest.some Guys have a one track brain others know there priorities and go by them.Hate's a very strong word to use and it puts scars on people and be forever. I don't hate you never will never could i just know where i stand now. I know what i didn't know and i know that Hate could never indulge my heart about you.
Isɴ'ᴛ ɪᴛ Pᴀᴛʜᴇᴛɪᴄ ʜᴏᴡ ᴡᴇ ᴡᴀsᴛᴇ sᴏ ᴍᴜᴄʜ ᴛɪᴍᴇ ᴏɴ ᴄᴇʀᴛᴀɪɴ ᴘᴇᴏᴘʟᴇ ᴀɴᴅ ɪɴ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇɴᴅ ᴛʜᴇʏ ᴘʀᴏᴠᴇ ᴛʜᴀᴛ ᴛʜᴇʏ ᴡᴇʀᴇɴ'ᴛ ᴇᴠᴇɴ ᴡᴏʀᴛʜ ᴀ sᴇᴄᴏɴᴅ ᴏғ ɪt.
I Hate that alot. Basically Gave you 2 fucking months of my life and im never gonna get that shit back.I wish i could hate you but makes things a hella lot easier and maybe then it wouldn't hurt so much.
Love 0.o
Love, is not even real to me, I have been lied to, left once again, betrayed, used, cheated on, not wanted, what is wrong with me I ask myself sometimes and then I think back to the dark days, where the black wings of darkness soared over my pure heart and turned it a shade of black like no other, then I realised that day, that nothing was wrong with me for the next time I saw those white pure wings that people call love flapped and left the falling feathers scattered in people's hearts, I would burn that father and watch it crisp and crumble into ash.
I do not need someone's pointless and pathetic love for make me who I am, I love the darkness and my self I am who I am, take it or leave it, either way... Your just a human like the rest, you live, sat and breath the same air, you guys somewhat do some of the same things, It is not that hard to find another in my thought.
I realized that love isn't real. That's it's all just a lie to tell so you can kill. It takes what people think and corrupts them. It kills the innocents of everyone. I wish that I can tell you not to fall in love, I wish I can help you forget about it all, I wish I can tell you it's all gonna be okay, but it isn't. Love hurts, love kills, love will always be heartache. And the faster you learn that, the better you'll be. DO NOT fall 'in love'. Love isn't real. It's just a beautiful lie to hide reality. Be happy with yourself, be happy by yourself, be you and only you. Only love yourself, and no one else. Love hurts, love is painful. Stay away from the lie that can kill you.
Love, like anything, comes in varying degrees but only at times of its choosing and is nearly never unconditional. In reality, darkness is the same because while it can mask so much beauty, within and without, it doesn't mask the pain within that hides from nothing and nobody. I know where you're coming from but it would be beneficial to never become so shrouded in darkness that you give up on the wonderment tomorrow may bring.
They say, "Love is blind". I disagree, Infatuation is blind, love is all 'seeing and accepting'.
Love is seeing all the flaws and blemishes and accepting them. Love is accepting the bad habits and mannerisms, and working around them.Love is recognizing all the fears and insecurities, and knowing your role is to comfort.Love is working through all the challenges and painful times.
Infatuation is fragile and will shatter when life is not perfect. Love is strong and it strengthens because it is real. x)
Basically LOVE written in a fine line is Pain. Happiness It's what brings people together or tear them apart
NEEDS
Dᴏ ʏᴏᴜ ʀᴇᴀʟʟʏ ɴᴇᴇᴅ ᴛᴏ sᴄʀᴇᴀᴍ﹖
YES
Dᴏ ʏᴏᴜ ʀᴇᴀʟʟʏ ɴᴇᴇᴅ ᴛᴏ ᴄʀʏ﹖
YES
Dᴏ ʏᴏᴜ ʀᴇᴀʟʟʏ ɴᴇᴇᴅ ᴛᴏ ᴄᴜᴛ﹖
YES
Ɗσ уσυ яєαƖƖу ηєєɗ тσ ƊǀƐ?
YES, YES I DO
"Ok" bugs tf outta me
I really dislike when people respond to a text or anything with "Ok". when im either trying to see if they are alright like what the fuck im trying to see if you're arlight and you say "ok" like my bad for giving a damn about you.then the part of where they just say "ok" after you told them how you feel good or bad. like i just sat down and poured out my heart to you and its just like Ok. like its no big deal like for some people its really hard to fucking open up let alone tell someone how they feel. so instead of just saying "ok" say some other shit cause it makes you seem like you dont give a fuck. if you dont care say it dont have me lead on or just fucking with my emotions. i heard that communication is KEY to all kinds of relationships. these are reasons why i dont open up or tell people how i feel cause i just get shot down like it never meant shit.
Depression
people think depression is sadness.people think depression is crying.people think depression is dressing in black.But people are wrong.Depression is the constant feeling of being numb. being numb to emotions, being numb to life. you wake up in the morning just go back to bed again. Days arent really days they are just annoying obstacles that need to be faced. and how do you face them?? youhave to take medications , through drinking, through smoking , through drugs, through cutting. when you're fucking depressed you grasp onto anything that can get you through a day.thats wtf depression is not sadness not tears, its the overwhelming sense of numbness and the desire for anything that can help you make it from one day to the next.
I constantly feel like i have to fight against myself to feel happy. and when i think i am happy i over think that happiness or maybe im just not happy at im just playing a part and when people ask "aye tams how you feelin" "oh im fine,okay or im good" im really not though like im not and i won't. you can't get over shit in a day and if you do well damn you lucky. cause when my heart breaks it just keeps breaking and then i cry and it breaks again and again. sometimes i feel like im being played like a fucking toy or am i even real do i matter. no i really dont. my life is so fucked up in real life.it isnt stable at all and i dont like to get people in it or open up about cause when im here im worried about my mains and making sure there alright and that they know that they are worth it. because my friends are like my family there in differnt parts of the world but i love them and i guess they love me too or so they say. and im sorry that im depressed and sometimes you guys feel it. but i'll try to smile and keep pushing and pretend like everythings fine
Cold
Oh god pls dont let my heart go cold.like i just wanna forgive and forget and move on but i cant move on and im glad you were in my life cause you taught me something.you woke me tf up you cant trust ppl you cant put your all in something because ppls feelings change like that you cant even trust the ones you sleep with -sniffles- im talking so much shit rn but i miss you and time apart is really killing me
Sad Thing is
The saddest thing is, once you fall in love theres no going back.if he ever needed anything i'd drop anything for him.my feelings are never gonna change, no matter how many times he breaks my heart i will always adore him.I just know he'd never do the same.
The saddest thing about it all though is to love someone, to know that they still want you but the circumstances dont let you have them. But if you really wanted each other as much as you said you did. wouldn't you atleast try to get what you wanted what you loved or were just scared the whole time ?!
RANT x.x
Just feeling as if I'm not enough.. As if my best is no good As if my apologies mean nothing As if my feelings are being taken for granted As if I'm not needed or wanted.
-Leans on wall-
Ever just feel like a fuck up?? Ever feel so insecure you burst in to tears?? Ever just feel forgotten and replaced..?Tmw you can't sleep. I'm hurting but I'd rather keep to myself. I feel horrible and worthless But again I'd rather keep to myself. All I do is fuck up.
My heart is breaking but there's no use crying What a cyanide surprise you have left for my eyes If I had common sense I'd cut myself or curl up and die Sticks and stones could break my bones But anything you say will only fuel my lungs Don't mind us we're just spilling our guts If this is love I don't wanna be loved You pollute the room with a filthy tongue Watch me choke it down so I can throw it up. Don't mind us we're just spilling our guts If this is love I don't wanna be hanging by the neck Before an audience of death.
I just want them to know That I gave my all, did my best Brought someone some happiness Left this world a little better just because, I was her I'm not okay But it's okay Don't walk away I'll take the blame Before we're left with nothing
Pain
I see the pain in your eyes. Though you try to hide it. You smile because everyone expects it of you. After all, you are seen as the one who is always happy, is perfect, and has no problems. But what they don’t realize is that your heart is breaking. Your heart is crying out in pain. You ache for someone who understands, but there is no one there. They don’t understand what you are going through. They don’t realize how often you cry, alone with no one to comfort you. They think you are strong, but you don’t feel that way. I wish I could comfort you, but I don’t know what to say. When I look at you in the mirror I see two people: what everyone else sees and who you see. And every time your heart breaks, my heart breaks too… Because I’m you.
Life
Life is fragile. Life can change from something amazing to something horrifying within a matter of seconds.
You have people around you who love and care, however at the same time time you'll have people around that don't care and they will want to hurt you.
Life is something that you can easily want to give up within seconds, but you keep fighting because you know somewhere, someday you have something to live for, even if you don't know that reason or purpose yet. Life is to short, live it up to the fullest, let your dreams become your reality, don't live and regret. Some days, it's hard to get out of bed. Hard to know that you have another full 24 hours ahead of you. But... Thank you. For getting up every day, for pushing through. You will get through this. You are never alone, we are all on the same boat. Everyone has scars. Some are more visible than others, but we all have scars. You are NEVER alone in this fight, so never forget that. Thank you for being here.Life will get better soon. Don't give up.
when he/she plays with ur feelings
When he plays with your feelings
Do not allow him to consume you. If he does not call, go to sleep. If he does not message, put your phone away and have a fantastic day anyway. If he acts distant when you are with him and refuses to tell you what is wrong, don’t wait for him, go home and do something you love. If he tries to insinuate you do not need your friends now that you have him, spend more time with your friends. If he tries to teach you a lesson through the silent treatment, ignore him completely.
If he plays with your feelings constantly, walk away from him. If he acts like your body is his entitlement when you are not ready, walk away from him. If he says terrible, unforgivable things and threatens to leave you after every argument, walk away from him. If he forbids you from doing anything you love, walk away from him. If he claims ownership of your accomplishments, walk away from him. If he demeans you or disrespects your being a girl and refuses to stop when you tell him it hurts, walk away from him.
I cannot stress this enough, you live for yourself first. He is a secondary character in the story of your life. Do not allow him to turn you into a secondary character in your own book.
patience
Patience i need that alot lately.it's just hard when you want something so so bad and you hae to buck down and wait your turn and understand that the person is going through almost the same shit you are.
I don't know how to talk to you I just know I found myself getting lost with you Lately you just make me work too hard for you Got me on flights overseas, and I still can't get across to you And last night I think I lost my patience Last night, I got high as your expectations Last night, I came to a realization And I hope you can take it It feels like the only time you see me Is when you turn your head to the side and look at me differently. why do you look at me differntly?? sometimes i feel like i make people think that have to choose a cretain thing because i bug tf out of them and i just keep pursing. i've learned that i need to sit back and just let life unfold how it should be. i will wait for you because i love you and everything that i have ever said or did meant everything to me.
Broken Heart
XD thats my own snap chat picture XDDD oml
Blehh my feelings....
You're everything I thought you never were And nothing like I thought you could've beeBut still you live inside of me So tell me how is that? You're the only one I wish I could forget
The only one I'd love to not forgive And though you break my heart, you're the only one
And though there are times when I hate you Cause I can't erase The times that you hurt me And put tears on my face And even now while I hate you It pains me to say I know I'll be there at the end of the day.I don't wanna be without you babe I don't want a broken heart Don't wanna take a breath with out you babe I don't wanna play that part I know that I love you But let me just say I don't want to love you in no kind of way no no I don't want a broken heart Something that I feel I need to say But up to now I've always been afraid That you would never come around And still I want to put this out You say you've got the most respect for me But sometimes I feel you're not deserving me And still you're in my heart But you're the only one and yes There are times when I hate you But I don't complain Cause I've been afraid that you would've walk away but now I don't hate you
I'm happy to say That I will be there at the end of the day.
--->
February 16 ,2017
I thought i would write this as a journal entry or something.I probably won't work out. I left bookrix for many reasons that i couldn't face.shit i still can't face them now. But i left last night feb 15 and today it's hella hard not to login and just read all the shit you guys left. It's not shit because everything that people say to me i pay close attention too. So sitting in a classroom on the verge of inner madness i talk a bit about my internal problems that have got me so fucked up. :/ maybe it's jealousy. But how could you love someone you can't have?? How can you love someone that never really loved you in the first place. Like you know there past and how they love someone else. Why would you even try?? You can't change people but you can change yourself. It's really hard when in real life it's like a cycle you go to school,barely eat,on get on the internet zoning out listening to music thinking it will fix everything. It really wont. I'm not ready to say what's really bugging the fuck outta me because i'm not ready. I'm not gonna come back to bookrix till i have gotten over it completely so when i see people's names come across the community page i won't get hurt or click on it to see what it is about. I honestly wanna come back and start over. My pass will forever be apart of my future because it was what got me in the place i am in now.trust issues,insecurties call it what you want. We all have a chapter in our lives that we don't wanna read out loud. I think imma just stop writing for now. Btu Jay told me once it was about needing self control yeah maybe i need sleep and stop tryna cram small things in without letting them out. Using some of my self control to be off for awhile. Sorry if i hurt you in any way because i told you from the beginning that would. :T
-shrugs-
I care about people who really don't give a fuck about me. I have learnt that i give more then i receive and i'm good with that. I could rant about “oh this is the last time” blah blah but why lie to myself knowing that i’d just go right back to givin a fuck about you and how you feel. My problems is that i care way too much and even though you have done me wrong some many times i won't give a fuck about it. I love you but you lost me. I care from afar because up close i know i will fall apart. For me to be okay and and alright with it i have to get better my depression is pretty bad from life itself and i have come to see that when i mix them both up i come out badder and my attention or focus becomes that. So please don't say i never cared about you or gave a fuck. From my memory i was there for you any time any day. Like i loved you and you cant say i didn't but people love to twist your words and say you never did and tell the next person that they were the first person to ever put time and feelings into you. Then what was i?? Sometimes i look at shit and be like wow this is why i don't get close or even open up because no one really appreciates what i do for them ever. It's just like why? Why waste my time again.
My Jealousy :/
My jealousy is sad as fuck lol. Im tripping i know i am. I have two roots of my jealousy. One is stronger than the other but it constantly comes back thrown in my face or it's just there and i know and i just want to ignore it. But i can't. Better to write it down the cut which i have been fighting with myself not to do.
So heh i don't know how to say it so i'm just gonna flat out say it. I am jealous of sami and brandon XD. why? Because the fuck i'm in love with sami and yeah. Seeing the very person you wanna make happy with somebody else that makes her more happy then i be doing. So that bugs the shit out of me but i have came to have closer on that. I really don't care about it now. It was just a stupid thing that i was jealous of for whatever reason i don't know. But i said it and it doesn't really make any difference to me on how i feel. She just a real good friend now i don't have a crush on her love is love eh? Anyways moving on second reason on why my jealousy really fucked me up. The second reason it the biggest part like what ate at me constantly. It was elyssia my ex that i fucked up with because i dated her knowing i was still in love with sami. Yeah i loved sami but i loved her too. I worried more about sami then my own girlfriend i was with at the time. Yeah that was wrong but i did it anyways. But all those innocent small times with her made me happy. I was happy for a moment then i became bitter. Because the very person that hurt her came back. I don't know i just chickened out of it.because it always felt like every time i was good in a relationship with somebody their past came to come fuck some shit up. Like when i was with bryan his ex jessica came back and he still loved her, loved her more then me. I'm not gonna stay in a relationship and feel like i have to compete for my love for another person i have done it many times and i only feel like in the end is taken for granted. I admit i have taken other people for granted in my life but never to the point where it feels like there under the water watching the after the math. After the big ass fight and just fighting over what though. I really have nothing left to fight for in either of those love scenes. It’s probably overrated and just bullshit as usual but that what it was. That what i was jealous of two hopeless things. I hate falling in love online lol. Like its really stupid you can't be with that person,hold them or even show them how much they actually mean to you. Everything good must come to an end. and that was the end. Staying up late talking,sharing dumb video’s that had me laughing out loud when everyone else in my house was asleep. You always have to find a way to say good bye to things sometimes writing it down does that for me. I have erased like a million edits of things and cute little paragraphs to finally let go maybe one day in the future when i show with the bag over my head or some shit we could start over but for now i have to work on myself for myself and learn how to love myself for me. Even though the sounds of my demons keep me up at night wondering what i could’ve,should’ve did but didn't. I wrote this all today. On this wack ass thursday. I don't know if i am fine or am i even good but it's a worth a start eh? I'm not leaving anyone behind ok please stop saying that i am cause i'm not. I'm just being inactive.
Late Night thoughts
I just don't know anymore.. I feel like I'm living in a dream and not a good one, I'm trying to stay positive and be myself but I I just don't know how to anymore I mean Ik how to I just don't put myself to it and I feel like i don't make anyone happy and just.. ugh my mind is slowly becoming a mess again and I can't handle it..
I just love how there are some people out there who have tendencies to call others names and what not, when they don't know half the shit those people have been through. They only know what they've heard and what they've seen. Have they heard those people crying, screaming, or even yelling for help? Have they seen what happens in their homes? Behind closed doors everything is different, so really what do they even know? They only know what those people put out there to show the world, not what happens behind closed doors. To be real, people just need to learn how to shut up and mind their own business.
Friendships
i've honestly growned sick and tired of meaningless shit. you know it seems like everytime i do something wrong its a problem. like anything and everything. if you dont like me then stop hanging around i guess thats all i can really say im not gonna make your ass feel like you have to stay cause you dont. you can round up your new friends and do just that. im just tired of it all. like one day you mad at me next day people love me. im just gonna be straight up you love to become to hate me. im an asshole lmao and im fine with that i do stuff because i dont know why.like the ass does stuff and dosent know why okay? XD its not jealousy or some other far off distant thing its just something that bothers tf outta me.your friends are supposed to be their for you and support you and all this other crap that exactly dont do.
Like a rose
i dont why i particulary put that as a title of a chapter. but i feel like a wall flower you know? there are many defintions of a wall flower and what it pertains too.i feel like a flower or a petal shall i say. where its just tossed to the groud from the very object that makes it come alive. in the small moment you're falling in that mode just falling its like dieing because once you hit the ground and unattached from your life support you are doomed. just rips me of "he loves me, he loves me not" another petal on the ground. "she loves me, she loves me not". so like a petal off that rose its just lifeless. the beautiful bright red showing all the the damage that has been done. but what happens when that petal continues to fight through the storms the wind the changing of the seasons. the way you flip the switch on and off on them like its literally heart breaking. Then when somone comes to cherish the dead petal taking it in giving it water and pouring feelings into getting them stable and have them smile again. your life support comes back knocking and crying and you dont know what to do. you feel so much with your mind and body thinking in your head what could have you done wrong? for them to leave you in the first place?
everyone i do right does me wrong in some fucked up shape or form. I always feel like im that petal and i hate choosing bewteen so i'll just hurt both of the life support and break down. life support is named that for a reason they will gravatie to someone like you or maybe complety different and you'll maybe somewhere over in your neighbors yard or where ever the wind takes you till you shrieval up and die. there always things in the back of me head that says i dont deserve it anyways so i wont try and lie to myself and say i do deserve it when i know i dont.
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Publication Date: 12-02-2016
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