BookRix

Will you be putting up any further installations? I'd love to read more of the story! Can't wait to see what you've done with it ;)

---RbG

is being featured in the new YoungWriters contest.

http://www.bookrix.com/_groupforum-en-win-a-writers-and-artists-yearbook-2003.html

Please vote in the thread if you would like it to win. Simply press the green plus sign
Wendy

Enjoyed it lots, beautifully written :)

I came back to vote, now off for my tea.

reminds me of assassins creed :) good job, you are very talented :)

From the very first page you have us on edge wondering if the thief will be able to fulfill the demands of Rasputin. You take us on adventure through the streets of Paris.

There were a couple of things I questioned. On page 7 At the same time, the stench of aging cheese equally dominated the street but I had to keep (would stay work better here) concentrated.

On page 8 The sun was still high, but it was also beginning to descend. (This sentence seems a bit awkward and almost contradictory). A sudden urge knawed (did you mean gnawed) at me, and I fell awfully tempted to say to them:

On page 9 After what seemed an eternal age, (did you not want to use eternity?) my patience was well rewarded as a guard appeared ahead.

On page 10 They completely lost balance, and I threw myself on the floor (would cobblestone be better here?) with a loud thud, snatching the precious bag without drawing attention.

On page 13 For some strange reason, a feeling of reassurance was transmitted through her final words, and the craving (the word craving seems awkward to me) feeling of fatigue ( came over my body) installed itself in my body.

These are minor suggestions. The overall story is very good.

I must say, I enjoyed this short story, Timur. I always enjoy historical fiction. I AM puzzled why you used Rasputin as a character, although I'm certain you've done your research, and perhaps in a real way he WAS connected to the street poor of Paris in the era of your setting? For some reason I would have preferred to have seen an imagined "leader" of the poor. But your use of Rasputin in no way diminishes the quality of this work.
You have written it with excellent forward motion, and a quest frought with roadblock after roadblock-each overcome by the young man-as-protagonist. In the end he succeeds, of course, and in so doing grows. The Hero's Journey. Kudos.
There are a few weak spots, a few typos, and in my humble opinion, a tendency to use either archaic or imperfect phrasing in spots. Ie., "...installed itself in my body." Perhaps a simple, "...overcame me." might strengthen the narrative?
But it is the story that counts in the final analysis, and in the spirit of Dumas, you have written a fine one.

I came back for a quick vote. Good job on this story. It was intriguing and and strange all at once. Good luck in the contest. Lets both try to do our best :)

Good work Bro, wonderfully written and elaborate as always. Sometimes you take metaphors and similes too far but it's good... As RbG said good luck in the contest though I doubt you'll need it :D

I was just about ready to jump off my seat! Invigorating, astounding, and incredible! This is a tale that would surely turn out to be a best-seller. Use of vocabulary and dialogue is top-notch; descriptions are very well done; and the venture is past-paced and addicting!

Wow. I'm simply hooked. 8)