I read transfixed, wondering where this was going to go. And then I shouted "WOW" at the end, laughing with pleasure at such an unexpected twist.
Yes, dear William, you definitely have writing chops and are a wonderful transferee from Authorstand indeed. I am impressed and happy that my instincts were not wrong. The story is all that matters as minor editing can always be fixed. If you have no plot..no magical and satisfying... Show more
I read transfixed, wondering where this was going to go. And then I shouted "WOW" at the end, laughing with pleasure at such an unexpected twist.
Yes, dear William, you definitely have writing chops and are a wonderful transferee from Authorstand indeed. I am impressed and happy that my instincts were not wrong. The story is all that matters as minor editing can always be fixed. If you have no plot..no magical and satisfying ending, then you have nothing worth reading. And YOU certainly have something super here, which I hope everyone will read.
You asked for feedback. I gave you the positive stuff. The minor edits are as follows:
First...and only in my opinion...you need a few more commas to break up your sentences.
Page 8 - "wondered" should be "wandered"
Page 9 - (tense issue). Should be: "The labs had been empty when he'd left to submit the daily report."
Page 11 - He thought should be: he thought (don't capitalize He)
Page 12 - "as though a herd of cattle had been," not "as though a herd of cattle was. . . "
Page 14 - should be: his screaming was so loud (not "is so loud")
Page 15 - NOT: "James recalled one of the last times that he saw him." SHOULD BE: "James recalled one of the last time he had seen him." (Put a period after "him" and then start new sentence.)
Hope this helps. A great start to your Bookrix journey. Keep on writing and keep giving us more like this. Well done.
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