BookRix

good so far!!

You do have some verb issues, but the story plot looks good. Read it aloud, you can catch mistakes better that way.

My body ached with pain as though I was thrown in a boiling pot of water and then shredded into pieces by a cheese grater. (I removed 'it felt' because that's telling not showing. And also changed Cheese grader to grater and shredded instead of griddled.)

Needles is plural so it's were not was.

When I walked, a hundred needles seemed to be stuck in my legs the way they pricked. (I removed 'I felt' from here too.)

You're good and can only get better :).