THE GUY THAT MADE ME SMILE
'I hate it,' I said, making a disgusted face at the dress. 'It's a crime against fashion. Everyone knows that pink doesn't seem rightgo with peach. It's just wrong,' I said making a disgusted face at the dress.
I've rearranged that sentence because if you're going to use dialogue on the first line of your first page, it has to be strong.
Callie, My best friend, Callie, looked at me like I was talking... Show more
THE GUY THAT MADE ME SMILE
'I hate it,' I said, making a disgusted face at the dress. 'It's a crime against fashion. Everyone knows that pink doesn't seem rightgo with peach. It's just wrong,' I said making a disgusted face at the dress.
I've rearranged that sentence because if you're going to use dialogue on the first line of your first page, it has to be strong.
Callie, My best friend, Callie, looked at me like I was talking in a new language that I all of a sudden made up.as if I was an insane clothes critic. We were in the new mall, which had that just opened right near my house. It was great to have a mall opened so close to your house because 1. It is a mall 2. I could go there whenever I want with whoever I want and 3. because whenever I'm sad, I could go to one of the shops and buy a new pair of cute sandals. It cheers me up. Not good. I'd delete this.
'Look, Kaylee, its your birthday in a week,' Callie said.Don't you want to look your best?' Callie said.
I did a dramatic sigh and said 'Yeah, but it's just that... imI'm super annoyed. I mean I have had wonderful birthdays, but this is my 16thsixteenth. It's the most important birthday since I was born.(lol, like that) I mean, what if I find a dress that makes me fall whenever I bend down to pick up something?' up.'
I looked at her with my sad 'I dont know what to do' eyes. This is telling. You have to 'show' us what she's feeling/doing through your words. ie. 'Don't look at me with those puppy eyes of yours', Callie said.
Callie always gives great advice. She even wants to be a adviser. She doesn't know what kind of adviser. Just an adviser. (like it, lol) And she is beautiful. She has gorgeous blond hair, whereas I have dull brown hair. and She has light brown eyes, while I have watery blue. She is the be-yourself-and-enjoy-life-girl, and I'm the more we're-three- minutes-late-for-class worried type. (good)
'Look, If you don't want to buy a dress then you can usewear one that you already have,' she said. looked at me with her 'you know you have to' eyes. (too much) The one thing that she is working on as an adviser is to not giving up fasttoo soon.
Her next comment made me smile. 'Plus If you fall, I'll catch you.' She said dramaticly. That cheered me up.
'My hero' I said puttinput my hands on my chest and actingacted like she had saved me.
But imI'm not kidding, I love Callie. The only reason I'm not freaking out about this birthday, is because i will have Callie by my side,if anything whenever something good or bad happens.
I looked at my watch. and saw that It was time for my babysitting. I babysit because I am really good with children. AndEspecially when they pay me!
I'm going to athis new house across mythe street. Mrs. Rain and her family had just moved there. I think my mum went to her house because she had to do the hi-I'm-your-new-neighbour thing' and told Mrs Rain about my babysitting talents job. She is a very stylish women. I've seen her. She has black hair and green eyes that say 'dont mess with me' and she always wears suits. Even at home. She is very nice though.Not necessary here. Maybe is we meet her, you can describe her then.
'Callie, got to go babysitting now.' I said
'Okokay, illI'll see you tomorrow. Call me or come to my house,' Cassie shouted.
'Okay, See ya!' I said.
This is great. You've got some really funny bits in there. I love seeing that. Too often people get too serious about the stuff they write. One thing about comedy though, do it well and don't overdo it (less is more). Good comedy writing comes with practice, but if you're naturally funny, then it will work well for you.
Good work. Keep at it.
Wendy xx
Yeah this was my first ever book. This story was all over the place lol. But its a short story so I don't think I'll be able to make a second one. Thank you, though!
Your welcome