BookRix

Thanks for reading the beginning I hope the second part is more detailed. Serena

awesome beginning. I agree with the other in that you could use more description, but the concept itself has me fascinated...

Thanks for reading I will be adding more soon.Love that shiny star!Serena

I tend to agree. I write quickly, and then after a page or a scene, I go back and start revising, and revising, and then more, until I think it can stand. Just my particular way.

Dialogue. We don't always need movement or blocks of narrative in between, as long as the reader KNOWS where the speakers are in the scene. What we DO absolutely need, though, is scene-in-motion. The reader should never read staccato-ish narrative (unless it's by the next Pulitzer winner). I try to think of myself as a camera. I become my various characters, at least my character whose pov is the scene. What do/can I see?
At times it is striking to do dialogue exchanges with no tags at all. This moves the plot pace quickly.
This is a craft that takes a lot of time to learn, and a lot of friends to help.

What did Hemingway say about first drafts, lol?

Thank you for reading my book and the star. Serena

Good read. I only read the first chapter but I liked it (trying to read atleast some of all my friends books).

Thanks for finding my weak points . I have work to do. Serena

Thanks for reading my story. I have more writing to do and not enough time to do it. You are so kind. Serena

When I do my first draft I always leave things out, not on purpose, it's just the way I write - in a hurry.
When I re-write (not edit) I add things, alter others. I did notice that in your dialogue, you didn't give your characters "enough time to move around".
An ultra-schall scan is done with the patient lying down, and the jelly that's spread with the scannner is anything but warm, if it was warm it would pour off the patients tummy.

Give your characters something to do in between their dialogue, this will enable the reader to visualise the scene.

For example:

"Everything looks good but I don't understand the weight loss". She handed me a tissue, I thanked her and wiped off the jelly. She smiled and said,"You can get dressed now." She switched the scan off and said, "I'm going to have the nurse draw a blood sample." Then she left the room.

Watch your formatting, especially the paragraph, you had a run-on on page 10 - I left, feeling light-headed...

Take your time, don't rush it, write/draw pictures with your words.

I hope this helps as I believe you are on a winner here.

Looking forward to the re-write and the second chapter.

Cauldar.

Thank you very much I must finish writing. Serena