Interesting idea. I like how you begin this. Her fall through the darkness ending on a pile of leaves is strongly reminiscent of Alice's fall down the rabbit hole, but without all the shelves, lol. Your dream sequences are spot-on, describing beautifully the bizarre way dreams make no sense yet all the sense in the world. I especially like the physical link (the autograph) between her dream world and the real one.
There are a... Show more
Interesting idea. I like how you begin this. Her fall through the darkness ending on a pile of leaves is strongly reminiscent of Alice's fall down the rabbit hole, but without all the shelves, lol. Your dream sequences are spot-on, describing beautifully the bizarre way dreams make no sense yet all the sense in the world. I especially like the physical link (the autograph) between her dream world and the real one.
There are a few issues which I'm sure your'e planning to take care of when you edit this - like words left out here and there and tense problems (writing in the present tense is a lot harder to do than most think). Some other minor things need to be revised, like when she "sees" her mother's hand knocking on the door when she wakes up, but then her mom opens the door and comes in. If the door was closed, how did she see her mom's hand? Also, you have her removing her schedule from her backpack, but about three paragraphs later, you say she takes the schedule out of her backpack for the first time.
It's hard for us writers to see things like that sometimes. I always have someone else take a look at my story before posting it if I can - we're so close to it, we miss those details. Another difficulty we all have is that we can see the scene in our minds so perfectly, that we don't always realize that certain aspects don't work in reality (like the hand thing).
None of these are major problems, all easily fixed, and from what I can see from the way you've written this, you're a good enough writer already that when you polish this, it's going to be fantastic. It's already got my interest, and although I've only read the first chapter, I'm going to save it to my favorites so I can get back to it easily and read the rest when I have more time.
It's so awesome to find a new writer with genuine ability. I love your imagination, and the way you're developing both the story and your characters. I'm looking forward to seeing where this goes!
