Not bad. An interesting story :) It was kind of cool, and I like the idea you put into the book.
I do, however, have some critiques:
In the prologue, or introduction, I noticed one sentence that seemed out of place. Let me show you:
"Most people thought it was the curse of an Indian Goddess causing the bad things to happen."
When you say 'bad things' that brings the mood from serious to playful. And I assume your introduction is... Show more
Not bad. An interesting story :) It was kind of cool, and I like the idea you put into the book.
I do, however, have some critiques:
In the prologue, or introduction, I noticed one sentence that seemed out of place. Let me show you:
"Most people thought it was the curse of an Indian Goddess causing the bad things to happen."
When you say 'bad things' that brings the mood from serious to playful. And I assume your introduction is supposed to set a serious tone to the story. So if you replaced 'bad things' with some more complicated words, it would really help the whole tone of passage.
Also, it's not a bad thing if you look up words in the thesaurus. Don't be afraid to search for more complicated words to use. I do it all the time ;) It makes my writing look more mature.
Now, in the first paragraph of the first chapter, a lot of the sentences with subjects. Try to avoid using the words He, She, They, The, Them, etc. when starting sentences, especially when they're adjacent. Because when you do, your work ends up feeling like a giant list, and nobody wants to read a list!
Also, make sure you define your paragraphs a bit more. Your readers can get lost in the sea of words.
And the letter that is written in chapter one, I'd advise you to put more of Hanna's grandmother's tone into it. In a book, a letter is sometimes the same as the character actually speaking, so you should make sure the letter has just as much personality as the actual character.
Also, Hanna and her mother's conversation seems a bit quick as well. I don't really get to see their personalities. Try and build up to the emotions that the characters feel, don't just dump them so that your readers feel awkward reading what the characters say and do.
And right after Hanna readers the letter, you ask several questions in a row. This isn't a problem, but since I'm basically already asking myself the same questions, it makes the writing seem redundant, even though it's not. So be careful if you make your character ask too many questions at once.
At the end of chapter one, you say:
"How could How could someone do this to her poor Nana?"
When you say 'How could How could', I'm assuming that's just a typo I'm sure you skipped over on accident. Just thought I'd bring it to your attention.
And again, try to make the paragraphs flow smoothly and don't drop the emotions on me so quickly. This is key, otherwise the story seems a list.
On a side note, your writing reminds me a lot of myself a couple years back. So it's kind of cool reading your work :)
Anyway, you have some simple spelling typos. Like in the beginning of the third chapter, Hanna says:
"
"Why couldn't you just by a fake one from the gift shop?"
"
You spelled it 'by' instead of 'buy'. Again, just another simple mistake you made as you rushed to get your thoughts down on paper ;)
Overall, it wasn't bad, though I was a bit confused why Hanna's mother would try and kill her! Especially since you gave no indication that Hanna's mother didn't care for her.
But it was good, though it had some rough spots.
Good job!
Keep writing!
---RbG
