BookRix

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There really isnt much more to be said. This is an interesting concept, but the book itself is hard to read. If you just go back, and read it again i'm sure you'll understand what we mean. You just need to punctuate and fixing the spelling errors

thank you

in a breathless stile, describing in that way the horror of the situation.
Cecilia

u should make it end in a mystery so people will keep coming back

Not much more I can say that Barry has not already pointed out. Good story, but can be made better with punctuation, such as quotation marks, commas etc. And paragraphs to break up the action and scenes.

And yet still you do have a story here.

From the image on the cover to the missing punctuation and the lack of grammatical basics... this is very nearly unreadable.

But I see that you are trying to tell a story that has a bit of twist - and this is an excellent jumping off point.

So why not jump?

Take what you have here, slice it into actual sentences (and make sure to get your share of all that boring stuff about nouns and predicates... even a metaphor or two would be nice), punctuate it the way it deserves, reformat the book right from start and see where it leads you.

Are you brave enough to hit this nail directly on the head? There is a good story here and a Grade-A imagination behind it.

So, please, build it the house it deserves and make it the showpiece of your real abilities.

There are plenty of us here to help.

Just sit down and make it work.

I wouldn't have said anything - if I didn't think both you and this piece were worthy of the effort.

What do you think?