Your basic story is good - I like your characters and they way you're developing them. The only thing I would strongly urge you to do is think about some of the logistics and continuity. For instance, your main character gets the hell beaten out of her and probably has a broken rib, yet she's able to run, not only out of the school, but all the way to some river, which I'm sure isn't two feet away from the school's front... Show more
Your basic story is good - I like your characters and they way you're developing them. The only thing I would strongly urge you to do is think about some of the logistics and continuity. For instance, your main character gets the hell beaten out of her and probably has a broken rib, yet she's able to run, not only out of the school, but all the way to some river, which I'm sure isn't two feet away from the school's front door. A person with even a badly bruised rib can't run. They can barely walk. Someone with a broken rib can't breathe well, and running is just plain impossible, much less doing so grinning. And if her brother is her twin, they're in the same grade - why hasn't he defended her, or made sure she wasn't bullied? They seem close. These are the kind of things that we writers often miss because we're too close to the story. The reader, however, will spot them right away. Try having someone read it out loud to you. You'll both be more likely to see the inconsistencies that way.
I've noticed that the action sequences in your other book about Talon also abandon the laws of physics and logic. You're doing what every new writer does - picturing the action in your internal movie theater, which is rarely accurate. We don't "see" things in our minds the way we see them in reality. So while beginning a story with an action sequence is great, you can't have the bad guys busy trying to kill the doctor while the main character runs off, yet a few minutes later are somehow right behind her and in front of her in an alley. And if the doctor handed her the baby and told her to run, how did she even know the blood on the child's father's face was the doctor's, since she would have been gone before he was attacked? And you can't have a character describing something he didn't see, like Talon's "evil look" in the mirror, which he claims he didn't notice. If he didn't notice it, he can't tell about it.
Despite these glitches, you have a solid ability to tell a fascinating story with great, imaginative, and otherwise realistic ideas. I hope you continue to write, because only with time can all of us get better at this craft.
Good job - I wish you the best with this and all your wonderful stories!
