Well, this was very well written ;) You are a great writer. The story line was smooth and easy to follow. Very nicely done there. And though I still have many questions and am somewhat confused, this is still extremely captivating. Even though there were 30 pages, I flew through them like it were only five! Well done, again :) This book could be on the shelf of a bookstore or in the archives of amazon's digital books/e-books.... Show more
Well, this was very well written ;) You are a great writer. The story line was smooth and easy to follow. Very nicely done there. And though I still have many questions and am somewhat confused, this is still extremely captivating. Even though there were 30 pages, I flew through them like it were only five! Well done, again :) This book could be on the shelf of a bookstore or in the archives of amazon's digital books/e-books. Or whatever you call it, haha :P
However, I do have several critiques:
On pg. 15 you say "the ranger's gaze remained level staring into Mordeci's eyes, at if looking into his soul." I think the word "at" was a mistake, as it is supposed to be "as". Am I correct?
Also, on pg. 18 there seems to be a punctuation mistake. Here, this is what I'm talking about:
"
"Sit up there and act like the prince you were raised to be instead of the child you insist on becoming," Nealan whipped around, fire practically lit in his eyes.
"
As you can see, the comma placed at the end of the king's words makes it appear as if Nealan was the one speaking. I'd suggest replacing the comma with a period so as not to confuse the reader.
Now this is a personal opinion, but I believe that the paragraphs in this book should be a bit more defined. I could not tell if there were any paragraphs or not. It was terribly confusing. So, again, though this is a personal opinion, I think it would help if you indented the beginning of each new paragraph or spaced the paragraphs out more.
But otherwise, Bravo! Though this book does remind me of a mix of several different novels I've read in the past, it's still good. This piece seems to borrow from many stories, yet remain distinct on its own. Anyway, I wish you luck in finishing the life stories of these characters. I'm excited to see what happens next :)
Well done.
Awesome job!
Keep writing!
---RbG
