Why the dash behind welcome? I thought such dashes were used when the dialogue is interrupted by someone or something. I'd much rather it had a comma instead and 'said' written with a small letter.
...and then come back. Come needs to be in the past tense: came.
This must be me, but I can't picture- an incredible smile. Dazzling, beaming, sweet, seductive, glowing- yes but not incredible. Sorry.
...petite and somehow... I see it... Show more
Why the dash behind welcome? I thought such dashes were used when the dialogue is interrupted by someone or something. I'd much rather it had a comma instead and 'said' written with a small letter.
...and then come back. Come needs to be in the past tense: came.
This must be me, but I can't picture- an incredible smile. Dazzling, beaming, sweet, seductive, glowing- yes but not incredible. Sorry.
...petite and somehow... I see it more as a new sentence.
She smiled a dazzling smile as I took it from her. Petite and somehow pleasantly curvy, I ...
I asked myself- Since he's thinking (there are no dialogue tags), he has to be talking to himself. No need to point it out. Also, thoughts are silent.
New paragraph when someone speaks- "I've never seen you in here before, (comma not period)" the pretty girl said...
...letting short dark hair- needs a 'her' placed before 'short'.
"I'm new in town..." It's a very long sentence. Try dividing it into 3 sentences. Sounds better.
I see that you like commas over periods. Read aloud, it will make you realize where you need to stop and start a new sentence.