BookRix

Gwen, I like it. I won't give you the critiques, since I went through and edited them on the paper for you. So I'll just remind you of how much I liked it.

I really like how you definitely put a lot of yourself into Chase. Other people from BookRix might not notice it, but everything from caring for your sister to the concealed pocket knives reminded me of you. Except for the part where Chase doesn't look like her sister.

:)

i really like this book

I agree with writingmum. The story was interesting, especially the climactic ending.

My one critque is the way you have the words centered. It was difficult for me to follow along with ease. I had trouble figuring out where one character's dialogue ended, where the next started, and when paragraphs started and ended.

The point of realization for Chase should also be added to. I see where she started to put the pieces together but spelling it out just a little more may help the reader understand it the same way she does!

How your writing has matured. I'm sincerely impressed.

Of course the story was good, kind of exciting, even though it was a little improbable, but nevertheless you told it well.

I was struck by how you showed the story rather than told it, and I especial liked the first page...looking in the mirror but not seeing herself, because she was dashing out the door. Very, very good.

I don't have much to criticize, so you're getting a big 8 of 10 from me.

Well done. Keep working on it. You've got great potential
xxxx

I want to tell you I really love your cover.

From the very beginning I notice how protective Chase is with her eight-year old sister, Joy. She shows such tenderness for her, and seems to have taken over a major portion of raising Joy from their mother. Chase is a loner, but as a favor helps the new student, Kelly, find her way around school. Kelly asks too many questions, though, and is becoming annoying, and from the beginning Joy doesn’t care for her. Kelly worms her way into their lives by lying about finding their mother’s bracelet. Strange, Chase doesn’t remember her mother wearing the bracelet. Their mother invites Kelly to dinner, and to spend the night. Chase is disturbed by Kelly being there and cannot sleep. She is worried about her sister, as she is almost nine years old. Researching articles on the computer about the missing children, she is sure Kelly is the one responsible, and fears her sister is next on her list.

I enjoyed reading your story, and the basic plotline is good.

I have a few suggestions. You start off telling us and I would like to see more showing us. Page5 “Okay. They’ll be ready in 10 (ten) so hurry up!”

Page 6 The victim, 9(nine) year (insert hyphen) old Josh Turner, disappeared from his bedroom. Neither Josh, nor the other two 9 (nine) year old kidnapping victims have been seen or heard from…

Page7 Of course, with her brown curls and blue eyes, she is the cutest 8(eight) year(-) old in the world. Her bus pulls up and seconds later and (I don’t think this and is necessary) I watch it roll away before I get into my car.

I think you need a break here before the principal starts talking since she just got into her car and the scene has changed.
*** “Chastity!” the (The) principal yells before I can escape his burning eyes. From her designer handbag to her name brand shoes she is a100% (one hundred percent) prep.

Page9 I’m Kelly,” Kelly (I think you could use she here) states.

Page 10 “That’s okay. I don’t really either (I think this would sound better I don’t really like her either.)

I question whether your Mom asks Kelly to spend the night especially if it’s a school night, I can see her inviting her to dinner but a sleepover? I think you could have taken more time and not rushed Kelly spending the night.

Page 11 “Can I be excused to the bathromom (bathroom mom)?” This is Kelly asking this and I don’t think she would refer to Chase’s mom this way. I would like to know the mother’s name.

Page 12 Mom whisper yells (this is an oxymoron and I think you need to reword it) at me across the room. My mind races, full of thought. (I think you can end the sentence after, My mind races). Your sentence is stronger.

Page 13 I should have known when she brought up the kidnappings. This line hit me and how could she have known weren’t there a lot of people talking bout the kidnappings? It was in the paper and on the radio.

Page 14 I pull away from the counter, still clutching the newspaper, ans (and) collapse into the computer chair. Other than the fact that all four children were 9 (nine) years old and went missing in the middle of the night, nothing helpful is mentioned. I read over 20 (twenty) articles, all of which confirm my fears that my little sister is next.

I would like to have read more about the articles you found on the computer. Maybe you could give a reason or a guess as to why a high school girl was a murderer of nine year-old children.

I hope this was helpful and look forward to reading more of your work.

Wow! I seriously just posted this. I never get readers until days later usually! Awesome.
-me ;)

Eeesh.. parents worst fear.