BookRix

This book is being featured in the new YoungWriters contest.

http://www.bookrix.com/_groupforum-en-win-a-writers-and-artists-yearbook-2003.html

Please vote in the thread if you would like it to win. (Simply press the green plus sign.)
Chris

If the book is a PDF upload like this one, all you need to do is hover your mouse near the top of the page and then click on the Magnifying Glass button.

If the book is a regularly created BookRix format book, you can just zoom in your screen using Control and +.

I hope that helps!

Ah, a poetic novel. Very nice. I really like the feel you put into it as the voice you use is very much like a story teller, yet it still seems to be a poem in some strange way. Nicely done!

However, I do have one or two critiques:

First, the font is a bit small. It hurts my eyes to read. Yikes! Sometimes that can turn people away, even before they read a word of your writing.

But I do LOVE the way you've arranged your words on the page. Absolutely stunning.

There are some spots where the descriptions are a bit messy. Like when the girl pleads with the man to walk her home, the description of what she says is a bit weird.

Here, I'll show you which sentence I'm speaking of:

"
"Will you please escort me home? I'm... a- afraid." The girl wearing a simple pink dress made of silk with sleeves at the arm's length pleaded as she wiped the tears from her eyes using her wrists.
"

Now this is very wordy, and a tad confusing. I think you could separate the sentence into two, or just shorten the original and add the description of the girl's attire elsewhere. Because when I read it, I am focused on the girl's clothing, and not so much her emotions. And anyway, I do kind of assume her attire with the style of your writing.

Also, as I read on, it seems more and more that you're trying too hard to have a classical style in your writing. It might have to do with your sense that you must always tell your readers everything that is going on.

Now that is just my observation! So if you think I'm wrong and that the sentence above sounds good, then don't worry. We all have out opinions. And I am probably wrong ;)

And I was wondering, how old is the damsel in the first chapter? At first I assumed her a little girl, only ten years of age at the oldest. But then something in your writing made me question my assumption. And as I read on, I found my assumption was incorrect... She was about the same age as her rescuer. Does that make both of them twenty five years of age?

Going off of that, when Arza tells the knight/fearless mercenary(is his name Axev Mied?) her name, the more she speaks, the more modern her speech becomes. Was that on purpose?

Lastly, with Axev Mied(?) speaking to himself at the end, I felt strangely awkward while I read. And though the beginning of the chapter was very poetic and relatively smooth and had a classical feel, the end of the first chapter seems to be much rougher than the beginning and modernize as it went. Maybe you haven't gotten to editing that bit yet..?

Overall, the first chapter was quite interesting, though it did not hook me completely. If I had been browsing for an good read, I might pick this one, though with the inconsistency in the first chapter might throw me off.

But you have the most excellent diction. I must say, Bravo! And the content of the story is very intriguing. Ah, an excellent idea you've got here ;) I say again, Bravo!

Great job!
Keep writing!

---RbG

This was action packed from the beginning....I really hope that you eventually post up another book soon. You have a knack for fantasy and mysterious elements.

it's still in pdf. that's the background i have when i work with it on ms word. but i have no idea why it always gets tiled when i turn it into pdf though..

i just added a few more of chapter 14. ^.^

Did you change the cover? Is this book still available for PDF download? Because if it is not PDF, it would be unreadable.
But it looks like it is still PDF, so never mind,
I'm just asking, with a comment- haha.

I would recommend this book. It's a interesting book. A good fansty adventure book. Nice work

Your matured writing gives me the hint how as a reader you prefer heavy style of writing. It is not lighter reading but requires tougher veins.

updated haha

uhm... you could download it in pdf format and zoom it in... it works for me. :D