BookRix

Chapter 2

~Page 19 (2nd paragraph)
Just a reminder to watch those super long sentences. Consider using a p0eriod after 'short hair'. Also change 'in compare' to 'in comparison'.

~Page 19 (2nd paragraph)
Instead of 'normal nose'. consider using one of the following: common, average, aqualine, snub or turned-up nose.

~Page 20 (1st complete paragraph)
rough pine boards of back porch of the cabin
Consider: at the back porch of the cabin
Or: at the back of the cabin

~Page 20 (3rd paragraph)
Some half hour later ...
Consider omitting 'some'.

~Page 21-22
the people of Netheron, had, after the Arrels had saved Netheron from their ancestral enemy Halavarde, almost seventy five years before, all announced ...
Consider: opening bracket before 'after' and closing bracket after 'before'.

~Page 22 (last paragraph)
to serve two years in that mysterious war with that mysterious land of Halavarde.
Consider amending mysterious land to enigmatic/mystic land.

~Page 24 (1st complete paragraph)
Tauren." Need some help there?"
Space should be after the period, not immediately after opening speech marks.

~Page 26 (last paragraph)
by a people
Consider: by a group of people
Or: by people

~Page 26 (last paragraph)
down this they went
Consider: they ventured along the track (to avoid repetitive use of the word trail)
Or: they cantered down the trail

~Page 27 (1st complete paragraph)
there came into sight the outer buildings of Carmenton: Carmenton was a small town ...
Consider: changing colon to period.

~Page 28 (3rd complete paragraph)
There were a couple houses
Insert 'of' inbetween couple and houses.

~Page 29 (last paragraph)
".Good afternoon Edrin." He chuckled.
Consider: "Good afternoon Edrin," he chuckled.

~Page 30 (3rd line)
to inter the long, two roomed building ...
Amend 'inter' to 'enter'.

~Page 30 (Examples: 1st line, 1st complete paragraph, 2nd paragraph & 3rd paragraph)
Be careful to leave a space following a period. But it is not necessary to leave a space immediately after you have opened speech marks.

~Page 30 (1st complete paragraph)
"Why don't you go stable the horses up at the fort?" He suggested, grinning upto him, Tauren nodded ...
Consider: "Why don't you go stable the horses up at the fort?" he suggested, grinning. Tauren nodded ...

~Page 30 (3rd complete paragraph)
".Sure." Tauren called back, turning and continuing toward the fort.
Consider: "Sure," Tauren called back before continuing toward the fort/on his journey.

~Page 34 (Paragraph 6)
and all where muscular
Amend 'where' to 'were'.

~Page 34 (last paragraph)
But each one had the same clean shaven, blue eyed, black haired, faces ...
Consider: Furthermore, they were all clean shaven with piercing blue eyes and black hair ...

~Page 35 (3rd line)
In placing the right names on the right man ...
Consider: to the right man ...

~Page 35 (last paragraph)
The night wore on quickly.
Consider: The night wore on.
Or: The night passed quickly.

~Page 36 After couple songs ...
Insert of inbetween 'couple' and 'songs'.

Chapter 1

~Be careful not to drag/slow your story down by using very long sentences. For example, pg 8 (2nd paragraph, last sentence); Pg 9 (1st paragraph) and pg 18 (main paragraph) could be broken down into shorter sentences.

~Pg 8 (2nd paragraph)
Amend loose to lose.

~9 (1st paragraph)
a huge hinderance in for him in trying
Consider: a huge hinderance for him in trying

~Pg 10 (last paragraph)
Incroe had been remarkably similar Edrin
Add the word 'to' after similar'.

~Pg 10 (last sentence)
They had known one another for longer than Tauren could remember and where nigh inseparable
Change 'where' to 'were'.

~Pg 11 (1st line)
both going everywhere they went, together.
Consider: both going everywhere together.
Or, they went everywhere together.

~Pg 11 (2nd complete paragraph)
Use lower case for Fort.

~Pg 13 (2nd complete paragraph)
Incroe had mean't a lot to him, but he hadn't mean't as much to him as he had to Edrin.
Consider: Although, Incroe had mean't a lot to Tauren, Incroe had held Edrin closer to his heart/thought more of Edrin.

~Pg 15 (last paragraph)
three grown men to life the load
Amend 'life' to 'lift'.

~Pg 16 (1st complete sentence)
And Netheron was a foreign world for, a world where the un-ordinary mean't "bad".
Consider: And Netheron was a foreign world. A world where the un-ordinary mean't "bad".

Prologue - Beware of using too many ellipsis ( ... ) and repeated words. Ellipsis can be effective in speech if you want to make your character seem hesitant. In addition ellipsis need to have a period added if they are used at the end of a sentence.

Whereas dashes (-) are ideal if you want to emphasise a word/part of a sentence. Dashes can also be used instead of a period if you want your character to be interrupted.

~ Pg 2 (2nd paragraph)
And though history is the thing that brings people's greatest points closest to immortality, it too, over the years, fades to legend ... the legend fades to myth ... and myth fades to the silence that is found only when something has existed for too long - nothing lasts forever: nothing.

~My suggestion:
And though history is the thing that brings our people's greatest points closest to immortality over the years it fades to legend. Legend fades to myth, and myth fades to silence that is found only when something as simple existed for too long. Nothing can last forever - nothing.

~2nd page (3rd paragraph)
and lost to us of the future ... yet these men exist.
Consider: and lost to us in the future - yet these men exist.

~Pg4 (3rd paragraph)
the Halavarde king marched to war; never to return ... suddenly
Consider: the Haavarde king marched to war; never to return. Suddenly

~Pg 4 (3rd paragraph)
and a man who was dedicated in his madness to one cause: revenge.
Consider: and a man who was dedicatedin his madness to one cause - revenge.

~Pg 5 (8th line)
refusing to submit, into submission.
Consider: refusing to give into submission.
Or: refusing to yield to submission.

I love this story. In my opinion, you write beyond your years and I am intrigued to read more of your work. As promised I will post tips to strengthen your story. Please, feel free to use as many, or few as you choose.