BookRix

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Missfletcher, gooduklady,I have a lot to learn from both of you laydies. You both pointed out my mixing of tenses for which I thank you. Missfletcher, I will review your critique and make the necessary corrections. This is great fun.

Jack

Marshal84...Thanks for your vote of confidance. I'm trying to come up with the right twist to this story. I'll invite you to read it again when I do, if you like.

Jack

How interesting...I wonder what Rich is up to...I'm not sure I trust him *narrowing of the eyes*.

A couple of typo's, but I'm the typo Queen, and it didn't bother me, but other readers can be less forgiving (trust me).

At times I was a little confused as to what tense you were in. I'll give you one example; "The memo's will still be there in the morning" Is this Inner monolog? If yes it would be better if defined as such by Italics, or it could go into past tense like the rest of the narrative for clarity; "The memo's would still be there in the morning". Try it then read it. It flows better, don't you think?

The main thing for me is that this could be so more engaging. Writers of shorts set themselves a high bar, because you have to capture a readers attention and endear them to characters in a short period of time. It's not the content, as it's quite refreshing to read about a normal man after so much fantasy, but for me, on occasion you laid out a lot of background information before introducing each character, rather than feeding me the information through action and dialog. I know you have a short period of time, but I like description, backstory and action to be mixed together.

The story itself, I don't read work like this very often (more of a fantasy girl) but if I happened to pick this up I would continue reading... Or think about it for a long time after I had read the last word.

Let me know if there is anything you disagree with at all, or want further elaboration on.

:)

I really enjoyed this read and it left me wanting more. Where is this Rich and why is he so elusive thus far?! Maybe it is as simply explained as it has been so far but maybe it isn't. That is the great thing about writng, you can switch it up at any point!!!Let me know when you have more.

You certainly tell a good story, and I was very surprised by the "ending". Obviously you have presented an excellent cliffhanger and I would love to read more.

As far as feedback is concerned -- my only critique would be that you skip back and forth with your tenses. One moment you are in the present, and then the past. I would suggest you go through the entire thing and make it either "past" tense or "present" tense - but not both. Apart from that, it was well written and I enjoyed it immensely.