BookRix

Uh, so I mean no harm when I say this, so keep in mind that I only mean to offer constructive criticism, but the grammar in this needs some work. There are no apostrophes anywhere in words like "I'd", "we're", and so on. Also you need to decipher the difference between "they're", "their", and "there". I do not really like that this is another "Twilight" story. Perhaps you should look into "Interview With a Vampire" and other vampire stories/movies to get another version of them to give yourself an edge that makes your book different from the many other books on bookrix that are werewolf vs vampire plot lines. Not every female heroine is going to a new school and fighting for the love between werewolves and vampires. Check out Anne Rice. Even check out "An American Werewolf in London". Because if you want to stand out from the other young authors on here that have their own versions of "Twilight", you need to be different. And so far what I've seen, this will just be seen as another one of those and you won't stand out from the others.
There's so much potential to be a great and different story, with some work. Most authors do a ton of research on what they're writing about and yield to a bunch of scrutiny and hours of tedious editing. So don't take what I'm saying as me being mean or hateful and I honestly just want to help. Sometimes it can seem a little harsh, but you're always going to get criticism and it won't always be a short little, "awesome story keep writing". Those people don't see the plot and grammatical errors.

So, please keep writing, but try writing it in a program with spell check abductions whatnot and copy and paste it into bookrix. It will really help a story with the grammar and spelling errors that no one will want to pay for.

Quick question: how could Rosie know exactly how Bella felt if she'd never read the Twilight books? According to her brother, she'd never even picked one up.

This is one of many issues you need to check before you continue this. Clearly, you're using the plot themes from Twilight throughout, even though you're trying to make it sound like your main character is unaware of any of it. But there are other issues. Your descriptions are mostly unrealistic. I understand why you described things as you did, though. As writers, we have a kind of inner movie playing in our heads when we write, and try to describe what we're imagining. Unfortunately, our imagined scenes and action don't always track with reality. For instance, I picked up that you want Michael to have this amazing, almost hypnotizing kind of voice, but by describing it as high-pitched and bell-like, you're giving him a voice that belongs to Tinkerbell.

Dialogue tags aren't necessary after everything your characters say. Merely saying a character is scowling tells the reader that he doesn't sound happy, without you saying so. See what I mean? That way, the story flows better and the descriptions aren't overdone.

I like the concept of her brother being the vampire vs. a new love interest, instead of both of them being unrelated to her, like in Twilight. There's lots of cool stuff you can do with that, and it looks like you've got the foundations of it. But don't be in such a rush to get to the heart of the plot that things happen too quickly. Take your time, develop the characters and make them likable first. Michael starts out as this bizarre, evil creature who can somehow slide down stairs and then be standing, who can poison the food his mother is cooking even before he gets into the kitchen, and who seems to have it out for Rosie. But then, once the confrontation takes place, you show that he has a heart, and is genuinely concerned about Rosie's well-being. We need to see the good side of him sooner so that we can be in his corner right away. That makes better tension, because Loki is also likable, so who do you cheer for? Hmm. Excellent edge-of-your-seat action that makes the reader want to keep going to see what happens next.

Give this another look and see if you can find those contradictions and unrealistic things. Saying the other kids on the bus don't notice what's going on because they're on their cell phones is spot-on (and sadly, way too accurate, lol), but what about the bus driver? And a school bus would never "screech to a halt" unless it was suddenly cut off in traffic. Any bus driver who pulled up at the school that way would immediately be fired - it implies he was driving way too fast, for one thing, so now add this to his totally ignoring two guys snarling and knocking each other around right behind him (Michael was at the front of the bus), and dude. Bad bus driver! And not realistic in the least. By the way, since Michael was at the front, why did the three of them have to walk so far to get off the bus?

Fill this in with more information and you'll have a good, solid story!

')

This is really great! Continue like this, I favorited it! Could you check my books too and perhaps favorite them?