This has great potential! Wow! I really like your characters and the way you develop them and their relationships.
I only see three things that are easily repaired with some deep edits: you tend to capitalize some words that don't call for it, but neglect to capitalize others that do. No biggie, really, and a quick fix. Another is a tendency to employ run-on sentences. You have a lot of those, and they either are the result of... Show more
This has great potential! Wow! I really like your characters and the way you develop them and their relationships.
I only see three things that are easily repaired with some deep edits: you tend to capitalize some words that don't call for it, but neglect to capitalize others that do. No biggie, really, and a quick fix. Another is a tendency to employ run-on sentences. You have a lot of those, and they either are the result of wrong punctuation or no punctuation at all. And the final one is a common mistake, but one that can be remedied if you read the story out loud. The first really good example of what I'm talking about is on pages 11 and 12 - you have two distinct voices in one paragraph. Every individual character's lines should be in a separate one, or it gets confusing for the reader, who can't tell who is talking unless the words are re-read several times. If you read it out loud, you'll know who is suppose to be talking, and can insert a paragraph break between them. When you do change paragraphs, make sure each one ends with a period - a person's words can't jump paragraphs without that. It's one of those grammar rules that may be annoying when we're in a hurry to get our thoughts out, but it's also a hard-and-fast rule that is flat-out unchangeable.
That said, I have to tell you that I totally enjoyed reading this, and look forward to finding out what happens next. That's probably the best indicator of a well-conceived story line, and you definitely have that one down! You say it's part of a series, and I think that's awesome. Your premise definitely lends itself to an ongoing plot, and I like that without getting all melodramatic right off the bat, you give glimmers here and there of something more intense coming. Fantastic!
Please keep writing this. I so want to know what becomes of Calie, Brady, and Emerald (I assume from your word "kids" that she had at least one more child with Brady, yes?), and expect the real conflict involving that virus will be nothing short of spectacular!
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