So far, so good! Be careful, though - you leave out a lot of necessary words, which just means that your mind is working faster than your typing. All you have to do to fix that is go back and re-read what you've written, maybe read it out loud, and you should pick up the omissions immediately and with no problem. Your story line is great, and I look forward to each new update!
This is a very good effort, so very well done.
However, if you want to take your writing seriously, and you want us to enjoy your stories, take these golden rules as gift from me to you.
1. Ditch the capital letters. It's lower case all the time. Never mind that it's easier for you. To learn writing you have to work for it. Start now and you'll never look back. Also it looks better on the page...more professional.
2. Dialogue... Show more
still great cant wait to read more you got me hooked on this book
Aha! You've introduced the hero! Very nice! Okay, good continuation!