BookRix

This starts well - after enough of an introduction of the main character to catch the reader's interest, and a brief explanation of where this is taking place, the story explodes into raw action. Excellent way to begin any sci-fi in my opinion.

As far as the writing goes, it is far more comprehensible than a lot of what I'm asked to read here - your spelling and grammar are fine with a few minor exceptions. However, there are issues with syntax and such that need some deep editing.

Because this is such a good beginning, and shows promise of being a fabulous story, it would be worth your while to get it professionally edited. You won't be able to sell it or get even a second glance by a publisher or agent (who will probably toss it before the end of the second paragraph as too amateur) in its current state. I know that sounds harsh, but you have to realize that in today's world of easy self-publishing, and at a time when more and more people believe they can strike it rich by writing a book, the market is completely flooded. Within that flood are some writers whose work is absolutely flawless - perfect grammar, spelling, syntax, style, and great stories to boot.

I believe this one can compete easily with all that, but only if you address the issues that call for a good editor's input - and be humble enough as a new writer to accept those suggestions. I agree with you that this is a great story. It deserves to be corrected where necessary to make it a stupendous one.