A Quick Review
Excellent story!
However, there are two things that put me off(but mind you, this is my personal opinion):
#1- You introduce all the main characters at once - and very quickly - , giving me very little time to develop my own perception of each one. I kind of get the idea of the main brother(James?), but the rest are a blur. From experience, I know it's really hard for a reader to rebound after they've overwhelmed... Show more
A Quick Review
Excellent story!
However, there are two things that put me off(but mind you, this is my personal opinion):
#1- You introduce all the main characters at once - and very quickly - , giving me very little time to develop my own perception of each one. I kind of get the idea of the main brother(James?), but the rest are a blur. From experience, I know it's really hard for a reader to rebound after they've overwhelmed with information and characters. It makes me sad, because I really want to be able to feel a bit of each character. And not just through the description of who they are and how who met who, but how they respond in certain situations. For me, at least, that's how I connect with a character. By observing intentions and actions in situations.
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#2- Your descriptions are nice and good, but in the beginning of a story, I feel it more important to give the reader a real, concrete, view of the CHARACTERS more than anything else. Because they are the real story. Nothing else. And with the descriptions, I usually (97% of the time) want to know the FEELING of the place more than the actual appearance. You don't need to tell the reader every single thing that happens, as they usually assume more than supposed(example - when the group sits down at the table, you tell where every person sits etc., but it would suffice just to say that they all sat down). As with the characters, I want to be able to perceive the setting the way I want.
Too much description can be offputting, depending on the situation, mind me ;)
Nevertheless, chapter one really leaves me with questions. And though the ends feels a bit obvious (because you list questions the reader already asks), it's good! A wonderful hook and very exciting! I didn't feel like quitting or setting the chapter down for later. I was very interested! Again, great job!
Chapter two had several typos, but nothing too bad. However, I had a "Duh!" moment on page 23 after they decide that they'll assume what they've hear is true. It feels a bit rushed. But! It's still good :) It just baffles me how quickly the groups accepts the prophecy. Maybe, by making them less averse to the idea in the first place will make it more believable when they accept it. But that's just me talking.
Overall, a great start! The story is moving along quickly, just at the right pace. Characters are becoming more defined, but it's still a bit tricky to associate name with actual people. The setting is solidly defined in my mind and I need little(brief) descriptions to help get a feel for the new surroundings/environment in the book. I feel as if I've just entered another world, or like I just traveled halfway across the globe to wherever the book takes place. You've grabbed me and pulled me into the text, my mind having transformed the black and white ink into a real flesh and blood place with real flesh and blood people. The story is pulsating with life.
Well done! I hope to read the completed manuscript when it is finished. This tale is what young adults/adolescence are looking for, so I'm sure many more will read it. Just make sure people know it exists!
Great job!
Please keep writing!
---RbG
Thank you so much! I wasn't really expecting this at all. You brought up some really good points, all the things that I had trouble with you talked about, and kind of coaxed me through. I do plan a revision, because this isn't the final draft, as every writer ever will tell you.... Show more
Thank you so much! I wasn't really expecting this at all. You brought up some really good points, all the things that I had trouble with you talked about, and kind of coaxed me through. I do plan a revision, because this isn't the final draft, as every writer ever will tell you. This does mean a lot, and if you need anything don't be afraid to ask, which I can tell you have no problem with ;)