Great job! I had fun reading this.
I do have some critiques thought:
First of all, you should make sure you don't keep slipping between past and present-tense. There are a couple of words that are out of place. And watch your punctuation and spelling. Sometimes you make mistakes.
I love the concept of the story and all the information you used. However, you do end up just listing everything that goes on, so I feel none of the... Show more
Great job! I had fun reading this.
I do have some critiques thought:
First of all, you should make sure you don't keep slipping between past and present-tense. There are a couple of words that are out of place. And watch your punctuation and spelling. Sometimes you make mistakes.
I love the concept of the story and all the information you used. However, you do end up just listing everything that goes on, so I feel none of the characters emotions and can't really see where the character is. I believe that if you added more description, and things as such, that this would be a thrilling story! ;)
Also, there are no paragraphs in the book. You should probably separate the mush of words and make several paragraphs.
Oh! I'd really like to see you add some more descriptions and go more in depth into this story. It could be really good! You just need to put some time into it.
Overall, great story. I just wish you would've gone more in depth with the story though.
Keep writing, please! :)
---RbG
I hope you're still writing.