Now this story is a good catch. The story line itself is interesting and well thought out. You've got a good idea of how to write a catchy story.
However, you have multiple errors including incorrect punctuation and spelling. This can be very distracting to the reader and turn them away. Yikes! That's the last thing anyone wants.
Also, you have no paragraph definement. Again, this can turn the reader away as it's confusing and... Show more
Now this story is a good catch. The story line itself is interesting and well thought out. You've got a good idea of how to write a catchy story.
However, you have multiple errors including incorrect punctuation and spelling. This can be very distracting to the reader and turn them away. Yikes! That's the last thing anyone wants.
Also, you have no paragraph definement. Again, this can turn the reader away as it's confusing and messy. So you should make sure you define your paragraphs a bit better. And make sure you have paragraphs!
Here's a mistake on the second page(page 8 in the book):
"I thought I was just hungry so I ate some toast but it would not go away."
You're missing necessary punctuation in this sentence. I would put a commas after "hungry" and "toast". But you could simply re-write this sentence so it's a bit easier to read.
Also, this sentence takes away from the nice tone of the story:
"So then my head started to ace and I went throw my medicine cabinet and found my aspirin took some and put some in a bag in my purse so just in case my head starts hurting again."
Ah! This sentence is a confusing tongue-twister. First, you've got several spelling mistakes(the word "throw" should be "through" and "ace" should be "ache") and a lot of missing punctuation. Also, it seems you switched tenses at the end of the sentence. So make sure you stay in the same tense(whether it be past or present) throughout the whole story. Inconsistencies can really turn a reader off.
Here's what the sentence could look like with the proper punctuation:
"My head started to ache and I could feel the dull, painful throbs advancing not only on my physical body, but also into my mental thoughts. I couldn't think... it hurt so bad! To make it all stop, I went through my medicine cabinet and found some aspirin. After swallowing a handful, I put the container in my purse, just in case my head started hurting again. And I was pretty sure it would."
This is not a perfect example of how you could rewrite the sentence, mind you, but it's a basic example just to give you an idea of what you could do with it. So don't copy it, haha ;) I'm sure you can come up with something better by yourself anyway.
Moving on... Though I would like to know what the character does, I also like it when the story keeps going. And, unfortunately, on the third page(page 9 of the book) your writing starts to feel like a list. My advice would be to show your readers what the main character does without just listing his/her activities. Because a list is boring to read.
So the story is good, and it could be a very suspenseful work. However, you have many syntax, spelling, format, and punctuation errors. It also feels as if I'm reading a list the whole time. So I'd have a friend or family member read over the story with you and edit help you edit. Again, this could be an amazing story if executed properly ;)
Good job!
Keep writing!
---RbG
