BookRix

Sorry it's been a long time since I went back to bookrix, so I have a lot to make up for, but I do have it updated a small bit, when you get the chance to read it, you'll be shocked at the new discovery. (it's not that much, I have writer's block, so it was a struggle even getting that much up)

Holy Crap. That's all I have to say. Okay, no its not. Write more. I'm currently fixed on a book series and i need some sort distraction becuz the book doesn't come out for eight months. That is so sweet he saved her. Please let them fall so desperately in love. End my suffering on waiting. Names persephonee friend me so i can speak with u better and more.

I try to not make them run-on, I'm not good at writing stories so my apologies for having so many issues in my book, i'll try to improve them the best I can. Thank you!

One more thing though - some of your sentences run on. Lots of commas when it should really be two or more sentences.

Having said that, you're doing awesome. Keep up the good work!

Wonderful writing style. Nicely done. The book was very interesting, straight to the point, and almost perfectly paced.

However, I do have some critiques:

First, there is no need to tell me whose POV the chapter/section/paragraph is written in. I, as a reader, will figure it out once I get past the first sentence or two.

Also, if you're going to switch POV's, I'd suggest you write in the third person. You can leave it how it is, but switching POV's in first person gets confusing and frustrating.

Now, the first time Jake is introduced, there is dialogue. This is great! Unfortunately, all the words are a bit jumbled up.
Here's an example of what I mean:

"
"What just happened?!" I screamed in shock. "We hit a girl" my father's panicked voice erupted. "Is she okay? I asked. I don't know, let's go check it out" he said, and with that, me and him got out.
"

First off, I don't believe someone would pause for a conversation after hitting s person. So I'd suggest their dialogue go along as they get out of the car.
Also, there's a lot of 'he-said she-said' in this section with some missing punctuation. And it's a general rule that you enter in a new line every time the speaker changes.
Here's what you could do with the section above:

"

"What- Did we hit something?" I gasped in shock, looking up from my iPod screen.
"We hit a girl!" My father cried, his panic rising. In a flash he'd yanked the car door open and was jumping to the ground.
"Is she dead?" I shouted nervously, following his lead.
"I don't know..."

"

Ah, this isn't the best... But do you see how I gave some personality to the characters and gave you the feeling of movement as they spoke? Well, at least I tried ;)

But try going through the book yourself and editing it. Give your characters some personality, I know you can do it. Really, I do.

And there are no paragraphs in your entire book! Try inserting some were it seems fit. Paragraphs are almost like mile markers; they help the reader see how far they've come. (Not really, but kind of ;P) And, if a reader gets lost, paragraphs help them to easily find their way back to the right part of the page they were reading on, without having to skim too much.

Last thing, you might want to slow things down a bit. Add some descriptions! I want to know more than just what the people are doing. I want to fall in love with your characters! Try and dig deeper into their thought process.

Overall, it was very interesting! I had some questions here and there, but besides that, it was good. But, as in any sport, writing takes time and hard work to master. I know you can do it. :) You're getting there!

Great job!
Keep Writing!

---RbG