You have the start of a great, action-packed, engaging story. To make this something that has a chance for positive recognition in the publishing world (which I think it deserves), please allow me to make some suggestions, which perhaps you can use to do some further edits. I've done an edit of page one for you so you know what I mean - the revision doesn't change your voice or the content, but makes the narrative smoother... Show more
You have the start of a great, action-packed, engaging story. To make this something that has a chance for positive recognition in the publishing world (which I think it deserves), please allow me to make some suggestions, which perhaps you can use to do some further edits. I've done an edit of page one for you so you know what I mean - the revision doesn't change your voice or the content, but makes the narrative smoother and easier to follow:
Lucas ran into the room and quickly shut the door, pressing his body back against it as he began slow, controlled breathing.
"They're fucking everywhere!" Jennifer, his wife, was already in the room, cuddling her baby boy. She stared, terrified, at the door, like it was the last gate of defense. [Note: "little" is redundant, and a baby probably wouldn't know anything about a last gate of defense, so I changed that observation to be the wife's.]
Lucas nodded and maintained his steady breathing [Note: to say "continued breathing" is axiomatic - I would hope he was still breathing, lol! I think you're trying to convey that he's working on getting his breathing back to normal.]. He held two Colt Anaconda .44 Magnum revolvers firmly in his hands. Each chamber contained a sterling silver bullet, custom-made by Lucas' uncle shortly before the man's life was ended by a night breed. Lucas held these weapons of death like a last memory of his uncle.
He heard the growls before he could sense them; they were coming closer, and his well-honed instincts told him they had not only sensed Lucas, but more important, had sensed the little boy. It was this child in his wife's arms that they really wanted.
"Give us the boy!" growled the strong baritone of the Alpha member of the pack, now directly outside the door, confirming Lucas' suspicion.
I hope this helps - the story has all the elements of a well-told supernatural thriller, and with just a few edits, it could shine. I wish you luck with this - it's quite an undertaking to write a series like this, but from what I've seen, I would say you're definitely talented enough to do it, and do it well. ')
thank you so much for your input..i will try to implement those ideals...and thank you for the feedback...i hope it will work out to be a great series