Not bad in telling the story. The lust of the two of them comes through well. Even the strange English makes it interesting.
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The English is stilted and the phraseology often incorrect but the overall meaning does usually come through. I know how hard it is to use the many variations of language like a native if one's knowledge is of a second language. Many of the small shades of meaning are lost when translating so that all you really have in the end is a close rendition. I will send you a smoother English version of this first part and you can see what I mean.