BookRix

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Hi Allen,

I have read your story. I think you've got a lot going for you. And I think you should keep writing.

Some pointers (respectfully),

Your sentences were long, with little punctuation and your paragraphs, too, were long. This can tire a reader. I've read that the use of smaller sentences, appropriate punctuation; and smaller paragraphs can increase concentration of your readers.

Also, readers prefer characterisation to be sprinkled in here and there, through action, dialogue etc... rather than as a large chunk of exposition. Studying characterisation would benefit you, I think.

You've also used a lot of 'she' to describe your protagonist. It might work better if you swapped this about a bit. Using her name too and other clever ways of letting the reader know who you are talking about. However, if you were using action and story flow to show characterisation, there might be less of 'she did this,' 'she did that.'

Good luck with your future works.

Bek :)

I really enjoyed your work. The concept was engaging and well thought out. There were a few grammar errors, but I believe that for the most part, those were the result of a lack of familiarity with the many ridiculous rules that we Americans have interwoven into the English language. You show great promise and skill. Keep up the good work and from experience I have found that practice makes (well practically) perfect! God Bless and good luck. Donna