Let’s start with the positives. Your writing style itself isn’t bad, your bravery in using swear words within some of the dialogue is good, though you should be careful with it. You didn’t make a lot of common mistakes that new authors do, I wasn’t thrown off by your grammar or spelling, though I did notice errors. Note that I regularly get thrown off and am forced to stop reading as a result of grammar/spelling in other... Show more
Let’s start with the positives. Your writing style itself isn’t bad, your bravery in using swear words within some of the dialogue is good, though you should be careful with it. You didn’t make a lot of common mistakes that new authors do, I wasn’t thrown off by your grammar or spelling, though I did notice errors. Note that I regularly get thrown off and am forced to stop reading as a result of grammar/spelling in other texts on bookrix.
However, there were a lot of things that I didn’t like and feel could be improved upon as well. I think that the character of Erika needs to be made to be more unique or not too many people will actually care about her, or relate to her. Right now she is very much
stereotypical emo/girl in need of a guy. I get that it is a trend, but it doesn’t make it better.
The lines that particularly made me feel disconnected from her and make me feel as though she was just another low self-esteem girl “in need of a guy”, were these:
“Let’s just start with the point where I thought I had no purpose in life.”
“This was my life, oh wait I had no life.” (This doesn’t even make sense logically, in order to make a statement, you have life, and self-pity to this degree doesn’t make for a likable character.)
Like she wasn’t seeing anyone because she only cares about me, but even the blind could see that was a lie. (This just made me feel as though Erika was a completely self-absorbed character who feels the world revolves around her and who has low self-esteem because everyone doesn’t like her. I doubt the mom only cares about Erika, she may give Erika priority, and be shielding her feelings by not revealing her relationship, but that is very different from what is implied with this sentence.)
I watched the floor like it was the cause for the nothing I felt. (This is fine, I just think there are better ways of describing the feeling here than as “nothing”. Everything else in the sentence is fine though, including the whole looking at the floor part.)
With “Fine an empty seat and sit in it,” you meant Find I believe.
“saw you looking at Darren, stay away from him you pervert.” (Unlikely someone would contradict themselves in such a major way; she just called her a virgin, immediately after calling someone a pervert is kind of… At the very least let Erika give a comeback to this, especially when it is such an obvious one. )
Darren waves on page 10. It seems extremely unlikely anyone would wave in the small setting that is a classroom.
Page 11: ugly mess, then she just describes basic features of herself, ugly mess implies that she simply isn’t looking good at the moment, maybe messy hair, and no makeup, rather than her just describing herself as a plain Jane.
The rape scene feels extremely forced, as does the set-up of between Darren and Erika in general. This is the major problem I have with the way this story is progressing, I get that you want to write romance, but the literary world doesn’t need another weak “princess” to find HER “meaning” in life from a “prince”. It is a rather unhealthy and negative message. Please consider making Erika a stronger character, having low self-esteem doesn’t mean you are completely self-indulgent and offer no resistance to all mistreatment. I highly encourage you from moving away from the stereotypes you are setting up and doing something different with the story. I can link you hundreds of stories, on bookrix alone, where girl has problems, meets perfect guy in contrived way and everything is better.
Basically in conclusion, don’t force a rape scene into your second chapter (Which seems to act as a contrived way of having the guy save her.), try and move away from the stereotypical characters, and story elements. Consider moving away from the unhealthy message, and having Erika become a stronger women not through a bond with a guy, but other means, the guy can be a part of it, but you really need to have some character development as you continue the story.
This is all obviously my own personal judgment, do with this critique as you like. Keep writing. The key to becoming a good writer above all else involves two things: 1. Reading 2. Writing
