There are a lot of solvable problems in this story. First of all when you have people talking you need to put quotation marks around their dialogue, and every time someone new starts talking you need to begin a new paragraph.
This is a really interesting concept that could be branched into something completely awesome. But before you do that you have to stop putting in random facts about the main character and her house. What... Show more
There are a lot of solvable problems in this story. First of all when you have people talking you need to put quotation marks around their dialogue, and every time someone new starts talking you need to begin a new paragraph.
This is a really interesting concept that could be branched into something completely awesome. But before you do that you have to stop putting in random facts about the main character and her house. What captures reader's attention is when you begin with something interesting and not something that sounds like an ad you would read in a marketing magazine.
I also have questions. Why is the main character in an arranged engagement? Why are her parents gone all the time, why are all these people suddenly running away?
I can see potential in this story, I can see the relationship growing between Raymond and Alex. So I hope this advice helps you and I implore you to keep writing.
