BookRix

I was sad to see Jack go. I know it sounds funny to say it that way but you paint such a real picture with your words it feels like I am there watching.

Wonderful story.

Wow...what a great piece of writing. You brought the characters to life and your descriptions were so vivid, I was there with them. Not a simple feat with a word count restriction. You have much talent, keep writing and bringing joy to your readers.

Hello Alada, First, I liked your story but had a problem imaging anyone being able to carry a refrigerator through a window so, I went and looked it up and sure enough, there it is at K-Mart "Sakar Portable 12-Can Mini Fridge", just like in your story. So, I went back and read your story again and the images you painted came through all the more clearly. Your depth, insights and obvious empathy are well expressed; it is encouraging to read such a wonderful story. Great Job! I will look forward to reading more from this young author. Salute/

This book is being featured in the new YoungWriters contest.

http://www.bookrix.com/_groupforum-en-win-a-writers-and-artists-yearbook-2003.html

Please vote in the thread if you would like it to win. (Simply press the green plus sign.)
Chris

keep in mind it had to be 3k words, which is not a lot to work with as far as character development but I tried my best.

It's supposed to be a somewhat silly story, he stole the fridge because he's a weird homeless guy and it was a small fridge that he coudl possibly sell. Who knows, have you ever met a homeless person? they work in mysterious ways.

and I have no idea what you mean by 'beauty and the beast', what's similar? why does it remind you of that? Because she's fat? The story is about a homeless boy who breaks into a fat girl's house, she falls in love with him because he's different and then he leaves her forever. I don't see the similarities, honestly. I would like you to elaborate more, because I'm genuinely not sure what you're talking about.

i'm sorry if you thought the characters were flat but I was trying, in the end, to tell a story in 3k words and I don't really know what you want me to change because you're so vague. Please elaborate.

The story in itself is not bad, however certain elements are predictable and the characters seem stereotypical and comic. I can't help feeling that this is merely a satire on 'beauty and the beast' or 'the pauper and the prince' as it evidently is centered around a similiar storyline. The characters are shallow at best and no relationships are explicitly deep nor personal. You definitely could improve.
The end seems unsatisfyingly empty and the start is off-putting. Have you ever carried a mini-fridge under one arm? It seems illogical that he should even attempt to steal the fridge. Surely he would take the bottles out and put them in a bag, he's hardly going to plug the fridge back in at his house is he?
Yours, a kind critic.

Alada,

I love the cover. The story is beautiful and touching. You are an exceptional writer.

Great work!

You have my vote.

Thanks Judy for pointing me in this direction.
Voted.

Wow! There is nothing I don't love about this story, it's very beautiful! I hope you decide to continue adding more to it. Maybe they meet later one and she's turned her life around, something like that. I enjoyed it thoroughly! You have my vote.

You are a very good storyteller. Where have you been,where ever it was, I'm glad you're back so I can read more of your work. You got my vote.