BookRix

I really enjoyed reading your book. This deserves a lot of audience. Why don't you publish it in N0velStar?

kewl

very interesting

is being featured in the new YoungWriters contest.

http://www.bookrix.com/_groupforum-en-win-a-writers-and-artists-yearbook-2003.html

Please vote in the thread if you would like it to win. Simply press the green plus sign
Wendy

I did enjoy the story line though and you had enough correction with the comments below, so enough said in that. This is an enjoyable YA Book.

i like the first one please make a tired one

Wonderful. It builded momentum from every direction.
What I would have to point out is that you express the scenes in a paragraph repitiously. The point is not straight out there and I like that but it would have to leave us wanting more. And continually repeating can wore out a reader. Just a suggestion.
The mythical aspect of this drew me in with the wings, and the swords and the battles etc. Great stuff! Your writing skills and word choices are noticeable and I definitely enjoyed your work.

Hi! I'm London and I'd like to say that I really did love this beginning but there are a few things that you need to look out for. On the first page of the Prologue you put, "He had scratches and cut". It should be, "He had scratches and cutS". I'm not sure if that's the exact wording but I hope that gets my point across.

Throughout the book so far you have a few grammar issues, but you can work past those as everyone does. I highly enjoyed this, like I said, and I definitely put my vote in for you!

Best of Luck,
London
xoxoxoxo

Interesting book. It definitely has a lot of effort put into it, especially the battle scenes. I find the names appealing as well. 8)

An interesting start, Well done.

Look at your grammar with regards to dialogue. examples 1,2 &4 here should have a comma rather than a period. Line 3 should have a question mark.

one of the Legendaries.” said Riya.
I have studied it inside out.” I reassured her.
“Aarav are you ready to fight.” said one of the referees.
“Let the fight begin.” said the referee.

Be careful of a sentence like this one...

The parents were killed by the Dark Lords when they attacked the village.

Who attacked the village, the parents or the Dark Lords?

I had been everything to her and she was everything to me.

I got confused about which tense you're writing in here. Is it past or present, because each line gives something different. Choose a tense and stick to it. I'd recommend past.

Repeated words are a put off for the reader. I noticed this passage in particular because you used water and shell twice, close together.

My opponent immediately jumped into the water. A blue light took the shape of my opponent as he landed in the water. A beast appeared in front of me. The beast was a giant fishlike animal. It had a brown shell that looked very strong. A head with a long neck came out of the shell.

So apart form the grammatical errors, you've got the makings of a great story here. I hope you keep going with it.

My favourite line

The Legendaries are five warriors that are chosen from each of five tribes to represent and fight evil. This tradition has been around for many years and many more to come. I will have a chance at the Dark Lord who has ravaged and destroyed our land for many years.

Wendy