since I have been through so many bad relationships, every time when I somehow end up in another relationship, I always have a habit of staying on my toes. It?s like traveling from one place to another. Knowing that my court date is due and the police are looking for me. Meanwhile, I am hiding in a house and every time I hear something I always jump up in everything I hear. For me this is an example of how I feel when I am in... Show more
since I have been through so many bad relationships, every time when I somehow end up in another relationship, I always have a habit of staying on my toes. It?s like traveling from one place to another. Knowing that my court date is due and the police are looking for me. Meanwhile, I am hiding in a house and every time I hear something I always jump up in everything I hear. For me this is an example of how I feel when I am in relationships this long. Sometimes, I began to feel that something is not right at times. Because of the thought of the person that I am with is either Bi sexual so they go and make out with girls or guys behind my back or have sex with them, and then get online and pretend like nothing happen. I feel that way at times. Other times it gets to be a little harder on me. The main purpose is hoping that the person that I am with is not cheating on me, or trying to secretly hurt me.
A lot of times I get off to myself and I ask myself, is this how my life is supposed to be? Am I really meant to be into any relationships? Am I supposed to always be hurt after in every relationship that I get in? Or is this is just how this new generation of this world is? My life and this world have nothing to offer, and neither does this world have anything that I want. All this world has to offer me is full of pain and loss, rejection and agony. I already know that my life living on the planet was going to be in vain, when I should have died of that second seizure in the first place. But no, I have to live this useless life and get hurt, or deal with issues. I tried to commit suicide many times, but for some reason I could not bring myself to do it. Ever since I existed in this world I?ve always hated my life and wanted to die. Because I knew that as long as I live this life, I knew that I would in up in pain and dealing with rejection and hurt. More importantly, I know from the beginning, that my life living on earth would be in vain. This world has nothing to offer for me, but just rejection and hurt and full of selfish people. The new generational ways of this world just drives me apart. Maybe if I can just die and go to a place where there is no more pain or loss. If I die it?s not like anyone is going to care about me not even my mother. So there?s no point in looking for others to do so anyway.
I remember one night, I had a wonderful dream. I have never dreamed like this for so long. In this dream, I was in a beautiful place, and full of light. The grass was so rich, richer than I have ever seen. The flowers were so beautiful; they were in many variety colors. As I looked all around me, I saw this rich beautiful light and the trees were very tall and healthy like never before. As I gazed at the view, I looked and saw the grass, the beautiful roses and the light itself was singing such a peaceful calm melody. It was so strong that the sounds of the melodies were in tone as in one unit. It sounded like a peaceful glorious angel voice; the sound of melody was so great, that it filled the whole entire place of beauty. It sounded like many waters everywhere. I saw lots of fruit trees and the fruits on the trees looked so healthy, and it was twice the size bigger, than any other fruit that I have ever seen. I reached and took a bite of this fruit, and the taste was full of relaxation and peace. I felt as though my body was relaxed, and I was as light as a feather. It was so amazing! But then, when I woke up, I began to feel hurt and so many burdens began to come upon me such as, Rejection, liars, deceptions, and so on. These were only just a few that I felt. At this point, I began to grow weary of living this burden life of mine. All I wanted to do was to go to the place that I once of many times dreamed about. And just stay there forever. However this dream I had, it felt so real, than I can ever imagine it would be. Also in the dream I had, in this place there were lots of fruits of every kind. Right down to apples, oranges, mangos, star fruits, watermelons and so on. And other fruits that I did not know anything about. They also had animals and let me put I this way. This dream that I had, was far beyond words of describing it. I would rather be there, than to continue this life on earth.
I know that you have to stay optimistic, even in hard times, but as for me it gets complicated at times. I learned that in life has a mind of its own, however, the most important thing is learning from it. That includes mistakes as well. When you go through tough times in your life, it?s a signal to let you know that you are developing maturely in to an adult. Pretty much you get my drift, as to what I am talking about.
My Life Story part 5 New Novel book coming soon in 2012
